Every week, we will print the best and include the sender, go'ed then e-mail us, so ya think yer funny, then worra ya waitin' for???? e-mail us at Blue Blubber.

BLUE BLUBER INDEX

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Two boys are playing football in Stanley Park when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler. Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, an redshite echo reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching. He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition.
He writes, "Everton fan saves friend from vicious animal." The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Toffee fan."
The reporter starts again: "Tranmere fan saves friend from horrific attack." The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Tranmere fan either."
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?" "Liverpool," replies the boy. So the reporter starts again: "redshite bastard kills family pet."

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Jersey Dudek, the greasy Pole, may have lost his full time job but he has been offered a seasonal job by Santa as a helper. Father Christmas has heard that Jersey is very good at giving games away!

Difference between Houllier and the rest of the population?
Houllier buys his turkeys in July!

Houllier is thinking of changing his name by French deed poll, his new name?
'Toulose Laplotte!'

Gerrard Houllier was caught speeding on his way to Analfield today.
"I'll do anything for 3 points", he said when questioned.

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Q:what do u call a redshite with half a brain
A:Gifted

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Blue Blubber 21 (from Carl Stewart)

Gerrard Houllier takes the redshite out to a fancy restaurant for a team building exercise because morale was at an all time low. 
He calls the waiter over and starts order the food.  He goes through the starters no problem.  'What would Sir like for the main course?” the waiter asks old Pickled Egg Eyes, 'I'll have the Beef' replied Houllier.  'K Sir, what about your vegetables?” the waiter added, 'They can have the same!', said Houllier!

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Blue Blubber 20 (from Matt Mc)

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Blue Blubber 19 (from Bill)

One day, a man walks into an antique shop in London . Looking around, he notices a life-sized bronze sculpture of a cat in a dark corner. The sculpture is so intriguing, he decides he must buy it and asks the shopkeeper the price.

"£12 for the cat, sir," the shopkeeper tells him, "and £100 for the story that goes with it."

 "I'll take the cat," says the man, "but you can keep the story."

The transaction completed, the man leaves the store with the bronze cat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two cats emerge from an alley and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another alley, more cats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two streets, at least a hundred cats are at his heels, and people are beginning to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of cats swarm from alleys, basements and abandoned cars. Thousands of cats are now at his heels, and as he sees the river at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full pelt.

No matter how fast he runs, the cats keep up, hissing insanely, now not just thousands, but millions. He looks up and sees that he is running towards the edge of the Thames, and the trail of cats is now several hundred yards long behind him.Making a mighty leap, he jumps onto a lamp post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze cat into the river. Clinging to the lamp post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of cats surges over the banks into the river, where they drown. Amazed and almost dumbstruck, he makes his way back to the antique shop.

"Ah, so you've come back for the story," says the shopkeeper.

"No," says the man, "I was wondering if you had a bronze redshite fan."

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Blue Blubber 18 (from Bert )

In The Royal Hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in
looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces. "The only hope left for
your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "£5,000 for the brain of a redshite and £500 for a Toffeeman's." The moment turned awkward.

"Why is the redshite brain so much more?" asked a relative.

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to
mark up the price of the redshite brains as you would anything new because it has never been used!"

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Blue Blubber 17 (from Chadders)

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Blue Blubber 16 (from Toffeeboy)
A redshite, a Toffeeman and a Tranmere fan are walking thru a park when they see a naked women who has been assaulted.

The Toffeeman picks up his hat and puts it over her left breast, the Rovers fan does the same with his hat and covers her right breast. The redshite puts his hat (which is full of badges) over her pussy and they ring up the local bizzies and wait.

The Police arrive and go over to the dead body and see the efc, trfc and shite hats covering her bits and preserving her dignity. One of the bizzies picks up the redshites hat and puts it down again, picks it up and puts it down, he does this a few times. The footy fans look confused and ask the bizzie what is he doing? He replied 'Usually there is an arsehole underneath a redshite hat!'

Ed. There was a cunt under this one!!

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Blue Blubber 15 (from Ken Rushton)
An Everton fan and redshite fan get into a nasty car accident. Both vehicles are really wrecked, but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the redshite fan says, "So you're a Everton fan, that's interesting. I'm a Liverpool fan... Wow! Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days."

The Everton fan replied,"Totally agree - this must be a sign from God!" The Everton fan went on, "And look at this - here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of whisky didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink it, to celebrate the fact we are alive and kicking?"

He hands the bottle to the Liverpool fan who nods his head in agreement, opens it and takes few big swigs from the bottle, then hands it back to the Everton fan. The Everton fan takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands back to the redshite fan. The redshite fan asks, "Aren't you having any?" The Everton fan replies, "Nah...I think I'll just wait for the police......"

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Blue Blubber 14 (from Damien)

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Blue Blubber 12A (from Don)
Bin Laden was finally flushed out of the Afghan caves in the early hours of this morning by the joint armed forces, as you can imagine they gave him a bit of a pummelling on realising that it was the main man himself.

A good Samaritan amongst the troops realising that the most revilied man in the West (next to Phil Thompson) was on death's door and needed to be taken alive, stopped the beating and gave the rebel leader some water and a chance to talk.

'What would you like to say, is there something you would like to know, given all your months in hiding?' the Samaritan asked.

Bin Laden murmured,' Have Barcelona still got the ball...'

' No' he replied the Samaritan, ' Valencia have it now and have had for quite some time, by the way Bin, have you ever heard of a little known German team called Leverkusen?!!!'

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Blue Blubber 12 (from Mark Barrett)

Q. Whats the difference between Anfield and a cactus?
A. On a cactus the pricks are on the outside.

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Merseyside Police have named a local youth wanted for questioning in connection with an incident last Saturday afternoon in which a shot was fired at a an ageing gentleman.

The elderly man, from North London, and described as "extremely frail and immobile" is said to have been left severely traumatised by the ordeal, and Police warn that his attacker may strike again.

Anyone with information regarding the whereabouts of Wayne Rooney, only 16 at the time, should contact Merseyside Police immediately.

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Blue Blubber 10 (from KrisMart)

Tranmere fan, an Everton fan and a redshite agree to do a test with a lie detector.
The Tranmere fan sits down an says, " I think that we'll be in the Premiership in 2 seasons time" After which the red light comes on the lie detector.
The Everton fan sits down an says, " I think that were gonna win the European Champions League next season" and again the red light flashes on the detector.
Finally, the kopite sits down an says " I think.... " and the lie detector explodes in his face!

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Blue Blubber 9 (from PerthToffee) - BOGOF

What do you have if you see a bunch of Liverpool fans buried up to their necks in sand???
Not enough sand.

Phil Thompson went to the Liverpool Xmas party last season dressed as a pumpkin. Come midnight he still hadn't turned into a coach.

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Blue Blubber 8 (from FlavourofWeak1)

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Blue Blubber 7 (from J Armstrong)

A bloke meets his mate and sees that his mate's car is a total write-off & covered with leaves, branches, grass, dirt blood and guts!
He asks his mate, 'What's happened to your car?!'
'Well', explains his mate, 'I ran over Nick 'Judas' Barmby!'
'OK ' the bloke says, 'That explains the blood & guts, what about the leaves, branches, grass & dirt?'
'Well the little bastard tried to escape through the park!'

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Blue Blubber 6 ( from KevKitten )

A few years ago at the derby, Everton v redshite.

Ferguson goes into the blues changing room to find all his team mates looking a bit glum.
"What's up?" he asks.
"Well, we're having trouble getting motivated for this game. We knowit's important but it's only the redshite. They're dog and we can't be bothered, we always beat them".
Ferguson looks at them and says "Well, I reckon I can beat these by myself, you lads go down the pub."
So Ferguson goes out to play the redshite by himself and the rest of theEverton team go off for a few jars. After a few pints they wonder how the game is going, so they get the landlord to put the teletext on. A big cheer goes up as the screen reads "Everton 1 - Liverpool 0 (Ferguson 10minutes)". He is beating the redshite all by himself!
Anyway, a few more pints later and the game is forgotten until someone remembers "It must be full time now, let's see how he got on". They put the teletext on. "Result from the Anfield "Everton 1(Ferguson 10 minutes) - Liverpool 1(Robbie 'redshite' Fowler 89minutes)".
They can't believe it, he has single handedly got a draw against the shite!! They rush back to the Anfield to congratulate him. They find him in the dressing room, still in his gear, sat with his head in his hands. He refuses to look at them. "I've let you down, I've let you down." "Don't be daft, you got a draw against the shite , all by yourself. And they only scored at the very very end!"
"No, No, I have, I've let you down... I got sent off after 12 minutes"

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Blue Blubber 5 ( from Chris W )

Tune..The Addams Family.

At home against Newcastle,
They had a lot of hassle,
When Heskey dropped his tassels,
The Anfield Family!

The Blues on Gates Of Shankly,
Make comments rather frankly,
You redshites are all wanky,
The Anfield Family!

Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, Heskey, Heskey, tut tut.

To them us Blues are bitter,
They always laugh and titter,
They take it up the shitter,
The Anfield Family!

It's always a divine right,
To see the Reds reach new heights,
They're such a bunch of gobshites,
The Anfield Family!

Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, Heskey, Heskey, tut tut.

Their home is a museum,
Norwegians go to see 'em,
They lose a lead and scream,
The Anfield family!

They sit down at the Kop end,
A dirty shower of bell ends,
10,000 quilts with no friends,
The Anfield family!

Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, tut tut,
Heskey, Heskey, Heskey, tut tut.
(Bell ends)

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Blue Blubber 4 (from DLydiate)

Turn the blue blubber dolphin round a bit and it probably looks like Bertie Vogts arse when he was told David Weir did not want to play for him. I bet Vogts is shitting himself now!

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Blue Blubber 3 (from Nigelmart)

Miss Jones takes a new teaching post at a Walton school. On her first day she stands in front of the class and says,'Hello children, my name is Miss Jones and I am a Liverpool fan, how many of you are Liverpool fans?'

The whole class with the exception of one boy raised their hands.

Miss Jones turned to the boy and said, 'And whats your name and why aren't you a Liverpool fan?'

The boy said,' Well Miss, my name's Tommy, me Dad's an Evertonian, me Mums an Evertonian and I am an Evertonian and I am proud of it!'

The teacher said,' Well Tommy, I admire your loyalty but you can't go around doing everything your Mum and Dad do, can you? For instance what if your Mum was a prostitute and your Dad was a thieving drug dealer, what would you do then?'

' Well Miss' Tommy said, 'Then I would support the shite like the rest of the class!!'

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Blue Blubber 2 (from Tony)

Alex Ferguson calls Beckham into his office. 'David', he says, 'I need to talk to you about your performance against Leeds the other night, you were bloody hopeless, completely off form.'

'Sorry boss', says David. 'I've not been meself lately. I've got a few problems at home.'

'Oh dear' says Fergie, 'Whats up? Posh & the kids Ok?'

'Oh, they're fine, it's just that somefink is really bugging me and I'm losing sleep and everyfink. I can't concentrate on me football and it's really messing me head up.'

'Whatever's the matter?' says Fergie.

'Well boss, It's pretty serious. Victoria bought this jigsaw puzzle the other day and.........'

'A JIGSAW??' shouts Sir Alex. 'You're playing shit because of a jigsaw?'

'Yeah boss, but you don't understand, it's really doing me head in!' says David, 'It's really hard, it's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure I've got all the bits and everyfink but I just can't get it right and it's doing my head in and, and.........'

'David, David, David' says Fergie, 'You better get a grip son and quick.'

'Ok boss, but.............It's this picture of a Tiger and it looks really easy on the box and I'm sure i've got all the bits and everything but I can't do it and it's doing my head in and.......and....it's a Tiger and it looks easy but it's really hard and er, it's a Tiger and everything, er... on the box...er.....sorry boss.'

'Ok, Ok' says Sir Alex, 'bring in the bloody jigsaw and let's have a look shall we. It can't be that difficult'.

'Thanks boss.' says David.

So Becks brings in the jigsaw and takes it to Fergies office. 'Here it is boss' he says, showing Ferguson the picture on the box, 'look boss, it's a Tiger right, and it's a really good picture and everyfink but I just can't do it and it's really hard and its doing my head in and everything..' Becks empties all the pieces from the box all over Fergies desk. Sir Alex looks at whats on the desk, looks up with his head in his hands and says to Beckham........

'Put the fuckin' Frosties back in the box David'..!!!!

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