 Blue Blubber 1 |
|
Blue Blubber 1 |
|
|
This page is for all you Evertonians who enjoy wry smile, even if it is at the expense of the redshite. If you know a good joke, a tall tale or a good story then e-mail it to us at Blue Blubber. Blue Blubber 50 - Terry Holloway The red shite think that they have finally found a way of getting Heskey to stay on his feet & perhaps get some return on their £11 million investment! They intend to start sprinkling viagra on the turf at analfield because they have heard that it makes pricks stand up!! Blue Blubber 49 - Derek Rothwell Houllier,
David Moyes and Jesus were wandering through the wilderness discussing
football, the woes of the earth, and how to turn the 14th corner of
a season, when they came upon a fast flowing river. Blue Blubber 48 - Sit Down Pinnochio - Andrew Tomlinson
Blue Blubber 47 - Tricki Nikki (& a hundred others)! Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?" Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club." God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo, "and you, Luis , what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God,
moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right. "I
believe" says Rooney "you're sitting in my seat." Blue
Blubber 46 - Terry Holloway In the appearance saddam said "To prove I am still alive, I can say that Liverpool were absolutely shite on Saturday" However a spokesman for the British Government said - "That statement could have been recorded months ago". Blue Blubber 45 - Hayley Williams Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for seven days. Eventually, David the Archangel found him planning. He asked God, "What are you doing?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds; "Look son, look what I'm making." Archangel David looked puzzled and said, "What is it?" God replied, "It's another planet but I'm after putting HUMAN LIFE on it. I've named it Earth and there's going to be a balance between everything on it. e.g. there's North America and South America. North America is going to be rich and South America is going to be poor, and the narrow bit joining them - that's going to be a hot spot'. God continued, 'Now look over here. I've put a continent of whites in the north and another one of blacks in the south." And then the Archangel pointed and said, "And what's that big blue dot there?" God said "Ahhh, that's Goodison Park. Also known as Paradise - That is a very special place. That's going to be the most glorious spot on earth, beautiful stands, a perfect pitch, an aura of holiness, breathtaking atmosphere, and an exquisite team to grace it. These people, Toffee's are going to be great and known throughout the world. They'll be poets and singers and songwriters and working class Scousers people from all walks of life; I'm going to give them the greatest football team, which they're going to worship and for which people will come from the far corners of the earth to watch. I will give them the likes of Dixie Dean and Dave Hickson, Alex Young and Brian Labone, Graeme Sharp and Neville Southall, Dave Watson and Duncan Ferguson and a boy called Wayne Rooney, men like these will lift this club continuously to unknown glories, and they shall be touched by my hand." David the Archangel gasped in wonder and admiration but then seemingly startled, he proclaimed: "Hold on a second, BALANCE, what about BALANCE? You said there was going to be a BALANCE..." God replied wisely: "Wait until you see the state of the redshite fuckers I'm putting next door to them..." Blue Blubber 44 - Kein Hart The
Shite have signed a new centre forward from Kabul United FC. Blue Blubber 43 - Mac The
shite have sold El-hadj Diouf. Blue Blubber 42 - Mark Kay (no relation) Q)
What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of redshite
fans? Q:
Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest
stamps? Q:
How do you kill a redshite when he's drinking? Q:
Why do redshite have moustaches? Q:
What do redshite use as birth control? Q:
What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead redshite? Q.
Why do redshite whistle whilst sitting on the toilet? Q:
What do you get when you offer a redshite fan a penny for his thoughts? A
new Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year in tribute to the redshite.
Phil
Thompson Chants: 2) "We've got Dom Matteo. You've got Pinocchio" - to the same tune. Sung by Leeds fans. 3) "Hey, Phi-il Thompson (Ooh-Ah), I wanna know-oh-oh - where you got that nose" - to the tune of DJ Otzi's Hey Baby! Sung by West Ham fans. 4)
"Get your nostrils off the pitch" - to the tune of footballing
standard 5)
"Big nose - you've got a f***ing big nose" - to the tune of
Blue Moon. 6)
"Thompson needs a nose job, Thompson needs a nose job, la la la
la, la la la la" - to the tune of Ossie's Dream or Let's All Do
The Conga. Sung by 7) "It's here, it's there, it's every f**king where, Thompson's nose, Thompson's nose" - to the tune of He's Fat, He's Round etc. Sung by Leeds fans. 8) "Sneeze in a minute! He's gonna sneeze in a minute!" - to the tune of Guantanamera. 9)
"He's got the whole world, in his nostrils, he's got the whole
world in his nostrils, he's got the whole wide world in his nostrils"
10)
"Oh the shadow outside is frightening, stops the sun from shining
light in. You can see it wherever he goes, Thompson's nose, Thompson's
nose, Thompson's nose" Blue Blubber 41 - CelticBlue - Put your cursor on the image for the Lookalike
Blue
Blubber 40 - Nesbo Blue Blubber 39 - Bluebarney redshite Owen getting interveiwed by Motty..he's asked,"Who's
your favourite foreign team ?,Owen replies..REAL MADRID. Blue Blubber 38 - Steve Jones Gerard
Houllier is shopping in his local supermarket when he spots an 80 year
old woman struggling with her shopping trolley, "Can you manage?"
Enquires old frog eyes Houllier? Blue
Blubber 37 - Greg Hackett Blue
Blubber 36 - David Pallett The
truth is out! Blue
Blubber 35 - JimmytheJambo Blue Blubber 34 - Andrew P (Workshyboy) Gerard Houllier has been spotted outside the Bolton branch of Argos in an unconsolable sobbing fit today. First reports suggested he was trying to purchase a barn door for Owen to practice shooting against, however it turned out that he was using retail therapy to comfort himself after the 'shock' decision of the FA to ban Gerrard after the 'derby challenge', in what he could only explain as "It was practically an accident. If I had the slightest hint that he was guilty of anything I wouldn't have come here to try and defend him." Apparently he was fine until the FA refused to allow him to transfer his Premier Points he had collected! Blue Blubber 33 - Mystic Megsy In a train carriage there was an Evertonian, a spectacular looking blonde, a buck ugly fat bird and Gerrard Houllier. After several minutes of the trip the train happens to pass through a dark tunnel, and the unmistakable sound of a slap is heard.
When they leave the tunnel, Houllier had a big red slap mark on his
cheek.
The fat bird thought - "That dirty old Frenchman laid his hands
on the blonde and she smacked him". Blue Blubber 32 - Michael Hartley Have u heard who the redshite are after?.......EVERTON !!!! Blue Blubber 31 - Alan H Q
- You're stuck in locked room with a deadly snake, a lion and a redshite,
and you have a gun with only two bullets. What do you do? Blue Blubber 30
Blue Blubber 28 - (Tom Bowman) A family of Norwegian Kopites head out one Saturday to do their Christmas shopping. Whilst
in JJB, their Liverpool born scouse son picks up an Everton shirt and
says to his sister: Blue Blubber 27 - PANTO (Billy) Yes, you can't beat a good pantomime and, not to be outdone this year, Liverpool Football Club - the redshite are featuring their very own, with players and staff appearing in all the starring roles. It was hoped that they could persuade Lee Bowyer to participate, but he's already done Aladdin. Allegedly. But no ordinary pantomime, this. Instead of one good old-fashioned fairytale, the Liverpool Football Club Pantomime will be a mixture of all the most famous and traditional ones. Jamie Carragher and Didi Hamann are to play the Ugly Sisters (no make-up required there) and Emile Heskey will appear as both ends of a pantomime donkey. Gerard Houllier plays a poor boy desperate to become big and famous and powerful. He wants to grow up big and strong and plans to kidnap the Championship trophy from the evil Scum Castle.... Meanwhile, in some palace not far from his home in the woods, the Wicked Stepmanager (Phil Thompson) is standing in front of a large looking glass on the wall. "Mirror, mirror on the wall, who is the fairest of them all, like?" "Not f***ing you," says the mirror. And shatters into a thousand tiny pieces. "Shit," says the Wicked StepThommo. "I'll fix that Houllier once and for all." One day, when Gerard is poorly, the Wicked StepBigNose, disguised as a former England central defender, persuades Gerard to do something very stupid. He persuades him to sell his family's prize Robbie Fowler for two magic beans. Coming home from the market, Gerard is pleased with himself. But when he gets home his father is less than impressed. "What?" he booms at the poor pop-eyed Gerard. "You've sold our prize Robbie Fowler for a couple of magic bloody beans! You're off your bastard trolley, son." "But, Father," pleads Gerard, "these are no ordinary beans. They are magic beans all the way from Africa. Senegal, in fact. You see. Once I've put these in the team...I mean, planted them in the ground, they'll grow into something really special." The next day Gerard takes the magic Senegalese beans and plants them in the Anfield turf. And he waits. The very next day when he looks out of his window he is astonished by what he sees growing on the Anfield turf. Nothing. A great big fat steaming pile of bugger all. No growth whatsoever has happened at all. But a patient man is Gerard. He waits some more. Eventually, a couple of months into the new season, there is a huge beanstalk that climbs all the way up to the top of the league table. "Wow! Look at that!" goes the audience, unable to believe it. "We could climb all the way to the top of that and be above everybody else." "Right," says Gerard. "So it shall be." And off he sets. He climbs and climbs and climbs, and soon he is actually there, right there at the very top of the league table...er I mean the beanstalk. "Brilliant! cries the intrepid Frenchman. "I've done it. And now I'm at the top I'm going to stay there and capture the championship trophy from the Drunken Tramp and that b*****d Arsene Wenger." "Oh no you're not!" cries the audience." "Oh yes I am!" cries Gerard. But he must be careful. He must be careful, for there lives a terrible giant. A terrible sleeping giant that will eat him all up. And the name of this terrible sleeping giant is "Liverpool's Championship Aspirations". It has been slumbering soundly for nearly thirteen years and mustn't be disturbed under any circumstances. Nevertheless, our hero is not afraid. He is not afraid because, from high up there, he can see all the other towns and cities far down below him - Manchester, North London, West London, Everton, Newcastle and Leeds. He becomes so excited by the fact that he is on top of everything and everyone else that he forgets all about the sleeping giant. "Fee-fi-fo-Fulham...er, I mean fum. I smell the garlic of a pop-eyed Frenchman!" The sleeping giant is angry at being awakened by the sound and fury of six pathetic defeats and a handful of shitty draws. "What the f*** is going on? Who woke me and ballsed up my nice dreams of finally lifting the championship for the first time since 1990?" And soon poor Gerard, startled by what he has done, is falling. Down, down, down and down he goes, all the way down the beanstalk, past Arsenal, Chelsea, Man Utd, Newcastle, Everton and probably Southampton as well, I shouldn't wonder. Down, down and down... The audience holds its breath... "It's only a blip!" they cry. But soon Gerard is at the bottom of the beanstalk (or near enough, anyway) and has landed in a big pile of shit. His own shit, because he's made it. "What happened?" he moans. "Everything was going fine and now this. If I don't turn things around and soon, that wicked Stepmanager will take my place, after stabbing me with the poisoned tip of his long snout. What am I going to do?" "Never mind," says a voice to his left. It's the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz, played by Steven Gerrard. "We'll help you." "What? You?" says the miserable Frenchman. "You've got no heart. How the f*** are you going to help? Go on. Piss off." "I can help you, too," comes another voice. It's the Scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, played by Jerzy Dudek. "Well, I would help you only...you see, I haven't got a brain. Er...what day is it?" "We can all help you," goes a third voice - the Cowardly Lion played by the rest of the frigging squad. "Well, we would help you if we knew what team you were going to play. You see, we don't think you know what you're doing. I mean...one minute you're playing five in the middle, the next you're back to the old 4-4-2. And why do you keep playing the pantomime donkey up front with Owen?" "Hee-haw!" goes Heskey the pantomime donkey. And is promptly booted up the arse and sent to sit down on the bench...where he belongs. Suddenly there's a puff. No, not that kind of puff. And the Fairy Godmother appears. "Never mind, lads. I am here to grant you all three wishes. What shall they be?" "Great," says Gerard. "First of all I wish we could win a game. Just one. Second, I wish we could stay in the Championship race. And last of all, I'd like to have my job this time next year." "You drive a hard bargain," sighs the Fairy Godmother. "I'm used to turning people into animals, spinning gold from thread and making horse-drawn coaches out of pumpkins. Sorry, but you've got me beaten this time. I'm off." And in a flash the Fairy Godmother is gone. Just like everything else this b*****d season. "Never mind, Boss," soothes the ever-loyal Buttons, played by Danny Murphy. "There's always the future." "What future?" moans Gerard. "I don't see a future." "It's behind you!!" cries the audience. "Oh, no it isn't!!" "Oh
yes it is!!!" And so the curtain decends on another pantomime season. Ice Cream anyone? Gotta
laugh or I'll cry .... oh yeah I forgot it's only half time! Blue Blubber 26 (from Tony Price) WHATS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MARTIN FOWLER IN EASTENDERS AND THE REDSHITE???? MARTIN FOWLER GOT 6 POINTS IN DECEMBER!! Blue Blubber 25 (from Beaut)
Click here for More Blue Blubber Got a joke about the redshite e-mail Blue Blubber | |||
