Blue Blubber Index

Blue Blubber 148 (Dave Vivyan)

A recent survey found that 85% of Liverpool supporters enjoyed sex in the shower.

The other 15% had never been to prison!

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Blue Blubber 147 (Chris Mc & Graham)

Rooney Fitness Worries?!

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Blue Blubber 146 (Sausage) & Wacko Jacko to the tune of 'Blame it on the Boogie'

BLAME IT ON TRAORE

Now Djimi unlike Gerrard
Who practised in his back yard,
Learned his skills on the disco dancing floor.

When Frog Eyes saw young Djimi
Doing his disco shimmy
He saw him as a future redshite star!

DON'T BLAME IT ON BISCAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON HAMMAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON FINNAN,
BLAME IT ON TRAORE!

DON'T BLAME IT ON BISCAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON HAMMAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON FINNAN,
BLAME IT ON TRAORE!

HE JUST CAN'T, HE JUST CAN'T,
HE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEET
HE JUST CAN'T, HE JUST CAN'T,
HE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEET!

Now Djimi's legs get tangled,
At Burnley they got mangled
And Rafa held his head in deep despair.

The FA Cup's not sacred,
The trophy cabinet's naked,
Old Shank's he will be turning in his grave!

DON'T BLAME IT ON BISCAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON HAMMAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON FINNAN,
BLAME IT ON TRAORE!

DON'T BLAME IT ON BISCAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON HAMMAN,
DON'T BLAME IT ON FINNAN,
BLAME IT ON TRAORE!

HE JUST CAN'T, HE JUST CAN'T,
HE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEET
HE JUST CAN'T, HE JUST CAN'T,
HE JUST CAN'T CONTROL HIS FEET!
(WWW.BLUEKIPPER.COM)

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Blue Blubber 145 (Kev Cowperthwaite, Alan Hoy & Stephen Sheehan)

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Blue Blubber 144 (Phil Roberts)

Wayne Rooney was seen rushing into Tesco's in Salford yesterday. He had seen a sign outside that read, "Granny Smith's 4 for £1"!

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Blue Blubber 143 (Richie Higham)

Q: What’s the difference between Pamela Anderson and the Liverpool goal?
A: Pam's only got two tits in front of her

Q: Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an intelligent Kopite and an old drunk are walking down the street together when simultaneously they each spot a fifty quid note. Who gets it?
A: The old drunk, of course - the other 3 are mythical creatures.

Q: How can you tell a level headed Kopite?
A: He dribbles from both sides of his mouth - at the same time.

Newsflash: Thieves broke into the home of a Kopite and stole two books. "The thing that upsets me", he said "is that I hadn't finished colouring them in yet!"

Q: What do you get if you cross a Monkey with a Kopite?
A: Nothing. The monkeys are far too clever to screw a Kopite.

Q: What is the difference between a battery and a Kopite?
A: A battery has a positive side.

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Blue Blubber 142 (Mike Dillon)
In a disturbing interview last night, it is reputed that Wayne Rooney admitted he only made the short trip down the M62 because his agent told him he was joining NAN United!

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Blue Blubber 141 (Joe Clayton)

Sponsor deal may see new redshite stadium renamed

Feb 7 2005

By Mr Whippy, Liverpool Echo sponsored by 'Cheesy footballs'

LIVERPOOL may sell the name of its new stadium to a sponsor.
Liverpool are are in consultation with two famous brands about the naming rights of their new stadium.
Firstly there is 'the Tampax Stadium'. A spokesman for Liverpool said that the company's product fitted perfectly with the image that the team regularly portrays on the pitch.....'A load of smelly cunts trying unsuccesfully to dribble all over the place' The version with little wings has been rejected.
Then there is 'The 'Toilet Duck' Stadium. The spokesman said, the team have been waddling around like a load of fucking birds for most of the season and they all stink of shite...the red variety. "We are even open to offers about replacing the teams emblem of the Liver Bird with an up to date version of the 'Toilet Duck'.

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Blue Blubber 140 (David Jerman) Little Britain for Kopites Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, not around my eyes but in the eyes, when you come back you will believe that Liverpool are still a big successful club......still challenging for the title......you have a hope of keeping hold of your best player and are about to built a massive new super stadium.....you will believe all your new players are international superstars rather than Spanish wasters....and you'll believe that you're seven points clear of your Merseyside rivals rather that it being the other way round..... 3 2 1 you're back in the room.

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Blue Blubber 139

Don't blame it on Biscan,
Don't blame it on Hamman,
Don't blame it on Finnan,
Blame it on Traore!!!

He just can't
He just can't
He just can't
He just can't control his FEET!!!!

Sung to the tune of Micheal Jackson "Don't Blame it on the sunshine"

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Blue Blubber 138

Life Long redshite or Once A Blue Always A Blue

This Kid Finds It Hard To Last A Derby Match For 90 Minutes

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Blue Blubber 137 (Gwladys)

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Blue Blubber 136a (Joe)

Can I apologise to all the Redshite fans that I've misled? I told them that their manager's middle name was "Still". Turns out that it's "Miles". Regards, Joe

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Blue Blubber 136 (James Whiffen)

Now that he has been sacked by Tony Blair, (whose son Liam - he who sleeps on the pavement & is a Toffeeman - TRUE never misses a game) - DAVID BLUNKETT has signed for the redshite. Beneathus wants someone who can hold on to a lead!!

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Blue Blubber 135 (Tom Sherrif)

See the redshite had their Crimbo do at Garlands the gay bar. If we are The People's Club that makes them The Village People's Club!

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Blue Blubber 134 (John Riley)

Approximately 18 months ago, a young and up and coming wise Scottish protégé came onto the streets of Liverpool. His first impressions were that everyone on the streets of Liverpool that he met was an Evertonian. Soon after he was appointed manager of Everton Football Club, he immediately announced that this club was, in his terms, the people of Liverpool's club. A legend was born. Everton from that moment on became known as 'the peoples club'.

Recently a Spanish tosser came to the city and three months on his chairman encouraged him to try and emulate his counterpart over the park, with a moment of inspiration. he tried and tried without success. Then at the clubs Christmas party, a young captain named Stevie Gee(to his close friends), took him and his team mates to a club in Liverpool city centre. 'Garlands'. To his amazement everyone the manager met was a Liverpudlian, that moment had arrived, the moment of inspiration, from now on he said Liverpool should be known as the 'Gay club'.

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Blue Blubber 133 (The lovely Pauline)

EVERTON FC XMAS MENU
Saturday 11th December 2004

TODAY'S SPECIALS

Starters

Midfield of redshite, tenderised & torn to pieces
(an Australian, Irish & Danish specialty)

Main Course

Freshly carved redshite defence
(served on a plate with a Carsley special)

Dessert

Christmas Puddings
(all of them redshite)

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Blue Blubber 132 (Andy Wigg)

“Silent shite”

Silent shite, Lowly shite,
You ARE shit, we was right,
Goal from Carsley, St. End goes wild,
Tears of blue pride are filling the aisles

WEEP IN BLUE HEAVEN WEE-EEP,
Weep in blue heaven weep.

Silent shite, Lowly shite,
Kopites quake, at the sight
Of Gravs & Co steaming in from midfield,
With big Nige in goal refusing to yield

WEEP IN BLUE HEAVEN WEE-EEP,
Weep in blue heaven weep.

Silent shite, Lowly shite,
Moyseyside, Blue & Bright,
Beneathus screams: ‘we’re out of ze race’
Gerrards tumble- just look at his face!

WEEP IN BLUE HEAVEN WEE-EEP,
Weep in blue heaven weep!

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Blue Blubber 131(Paul Healy)

A seven year old Liverpool boy was at the centre of a courtroom drama this morning when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents so the judge awarded custody to his Aunt. The boy confirmed that his Aunt beat him more than his parents and he refused to live there. When the judge suggested that he live with his Grandparents the boy cried out that they beat him more than anyone. The judge then decided to allow the boy to choose who should have custody of him.

Custody was granted to the redshite this morning as the boy firmly believes that they are not capable of beating anyone!!

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Blue Blubber 130(Andy Wigg)

“The
Twelve Points at Christmas”

On the twelve points at Christmas a redshite said to me:

“12 points above us,
11 Blue boys beat us,
10-to-1 it started,
9 points it was then,
8 Fuckin' loosing,
7 years since last time,
6 pointer lost so:

WHY ARE WE SHITE?!!

4 Carling pints,
3 points dropped,
2 much to take..

And Lee Carsley on Match of the Day!!”

HAPPY DAYS ARE HERE AGAIN!!!

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Blue Blubber 129 (Si Flaherty)

kopite To His Doctor: Doctor, when I pull a cork out my arse, you will never walk alone plays.

Doctor to kopite: Don't worry son, loads of arseholes sing that song.

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Blue Blubber 128 (Yozza Hughes)

Have you heard what Beneathus has said he is going to do when he wins the League?

Turn off his Playstation 2 and go to bed!

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Blue Blubber 127 (Mark Cowin & Others)

KOP AID 2004

It's Christmas time,

And the redshite are so afraid,
It's Christmas time,
Not enough points from the games they've played,

But in our world of plenty, Rafa spreads no smile of joy,
Throw your arms around a shite , At Christmas time,

But say a prayer,

And Pray for the Royal Blues,
At Christmas time,
It's hard when your team win & the redshite lose!

There's a world outside your window, and it's a world of redshite fear,

Where the only waters flowing, Is a whining Kopite's tears,

And Benitez's mobile ringing was the clanging sound of doom,
Well tonight we thank God it's Moyes, instead of you,

And there won't be many points for them this Christmas time,
The greatest gift they'll get this year's a draw,
Where no pass ever goes, No flick or long ball throws,

Do they know how 3 points feel at all?

(Here's to you)
3 points for everyone
(Here's to them)
Next season v Gillingham

Do they know how 3 points feel at all?

Feed the redshite (Let them know how 3 points feel)
Feed the redshite (Let them know how 3 points feel)

(Repeat then fade - into fuckin oblivion!)

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Blue Blubber 126 (Sparko)

Q) whats blue and fucks old grannys?
A) hypothermia

Q) whats red and fucks old grannys?
A) wayne rooney!!!

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Blue Blubber 125 (Tony Newman)

Any truth in the rumour that the £15000 timepiece Colleen has bought our Wayne is a Divers Watch?

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Blue Blubber 124 (Sausage)

Alfie Hincks told us about the name of the new redshite manager Ruff-as-hell Beneathus

Since then we have found out his middle name - it's STILL, Ruff-as-hell STILL Beneathus.

There are however further developments. Ruff has been frequenting Chinatown of late and has pulled a cracker (prawn) of a bird called 'Foo Kin', he is rumoured to be getting divorced and will marry this lovely young Chinese lady. However she is insisting on keeping her name therefore old Ruff will now be:

Ruff-as-hell STILL Foo-kin Beneathus!

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Blue Blubber 123 (dannyandneela)

Teacher to class, 'Who can tell me what their Dad does at weekends?

Little Johnny puts his hand up and says, 'My Dad is a dancer in a gay bar, and sometimes if the money is right he lets the punters bang his arse and come in his mouth'.

Teacher pulling Johnny aside says, 'Is this true?'

Johnny replied 'No Miss not really, truth is he goes to watch the redshite but I was to embarrased to say so!'

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Blue Blubber 122 (Ste Bray)
What have a prostitute and the redshite's defence got in common?
They both give it away on corners!!!!!!

What has Sami Hyypia & Kerry Mc Fadden got in common?
Both recovering from loosing thier man!!!!!

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Blue Blubber 121 (Joe Howard)

The 7 dwarfs are working down the mine, when suddenly the mine collapses.
Snow White runs to the entrance of the mine and calls out, but there is no reply.
Fearing they have all perished she turns away, suddenly she hears a muffled response.
“The redshite will win the Champions league.”
"Thank God", said Snow White, "at least Dopey is still alive".

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Blue Blubber 120 (Alfie Hincks)

What is the name of the shite's Manager?
A) Ruff-as-hell Beneathus.

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Blue Blubber 119 (Peder)

Rooney pays Paula Radcliffe 45 quid for a shag in a cowboy hat.
It's all going to plan when she stops after 2 minutes climbs off and starts crying.
'What's wrong with you woman?' asks Wayne.
'I'm so sorry', says Paula, 'but as soon as I realised I wouldn't come first I just had to quit...'

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Blue Blubber 118 (Ged)

PS Rumour has it that Rooney is on 50 GRANS a week!!

PPS Rumour also has it he wants to move back to a team challenging for honours!!!

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Blue Blubber 117 (Daniel McDermott)

A father entered his daughter's bedroom and saw a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, he read it with trembling hands.

Dear Mum and Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm telling you that I've eloped with my new boyfriend. I've found real love and he is so nice. Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos, and his big motorcycle. But it's not only that, I'm pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his trailer in the woods. He wants to have many more children with me and that's one of my dreams.

I've learned that marijuana doesn't hurt anyone and we'll be growing it for us and his friends. They're the one's providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want. In the meantime, we'll pray for science to find the AIDS cure, so Ahmed gets better. He deserves it.

Don' t worry about money. Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement. Apparently I can earn £50 a scene. I get a £50 bonus if there are more than three men in. Don't worry Mum. Now I'm 15 years old, I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren. Your loving daughter,

PS Dad, it's not true. I'm watching TV at a neighbour's house. I just wanted to show you that there are worse things in life than ROONEY GOING TO UNITED!!

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Blue Blubber 116 (N Chilvers)

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Blue Blubber 115 ( Steve Cain )

Took my daughter and son on the Goodison Park tour end of July and just had the photos done - I guess the writing was on the wall then!!! Steve cain (dixiejoebobandyduncanwayne!!!) will have to change that.

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Blue Blubber 114 ( Nathan Munday )

Man Ure Tour for Shrek Nathan Munday, Isle Of Wight.

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Blue Blubber 113 ( Willo)

How do you cirumcise a redshite?

Kick his sister in the chin.

(Think abowritt)!!

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Blue Blubber 112 ( N Chilvers )

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Blue Blubber 111 (Sam Spud)

Three surgeons are having a coffee break (that's three surgeons not tree surgeons).
One says, "I'll tell you who are the best people to operate on - electricians! When you open then up you just follow the colour coded wires."
"You're wrong", says the second, "I like librarians because whenyou open them up all the organs are neatly placed in alphabetical order."
"You're both wrong" chimes the third, "redshites definitely make the easiest patients! They've got no heart, no guts, no spine and their heads and arses are interchangeable!!"

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Blue Blubber 110 (Snowstorm)

What's 4ft long and keeps a cunt warm?

A kopites scarf!

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Blue Blubber 109 (Richard Higham)

Hmmmm, If only Brooklyn looked like this! (05/07/03)

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Blue Blubber 108 (Gwladys)

Two Evertonians and a redshite arrive at Heaven.
Saint Peter greets them at the gate and tells them to go and sit in Heaven's Park whilst awaiting his judgement of their life on Earth. "One cautionary note" says Saint Peter "don't tread on any of the ducks!" The threesome enter the park and take a stroll around, enjoying its beauty, free ice creams, glorious sunshine.

After a couple of hours one of the Evertonians accidentally steps onto a duck and it starts to quack, quite loudly. One by one the other ducks join in until eventually thousands of ducks are quacking in unison as loud as they dare. The other Evertonian can't control his laughter, steps backwards and he too steps onto a duck. The noise level grows louder and louder to an almost unbearable level.
After a minute of continuous duck quacking Saint Peter enters the park, quietens the ducks down, then says, "Right. For stepping onto a duck I sentence you to be shackled to a starving rottweiler for the next hour whilst I try to asses your future with a bit of peace and quiet." There is a flash of lightning and the poor Blue is rooted to the spot eyeball to eyeball with the hungry animal.
"As for you," says Saint Peter, "you're no better. You can have Hannibal Lecter for company." Another flash of lighting and the salivating doctor is strapped face to face with Blue number 2.

Without uttering another word Saint Peter claps his hands, there's another flash of lightning, then the most beautiful blonde appears face to face with the redshite, the pair of then chained tightly together. With the world's biggest grin on his face the redshite, almost in tears, whimpers, "Ooo argh, me handsome. What did a poor west country soul like me ever do to deserve this for all eternity?" "Don't ask me," says the young lady, "but all I did was accidentally tread on a duck!!"

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Blue Blubber 107

We can still handle it! At least they got it half right this time!!(24/06/03)

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Blue Blubber 106

This is The Duke as seen in some of the media. We can handle it though, were Scousers. (22/06/03)

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Blue Blubber 105 (Snowstorm)

Ronaldo, Luis Figo and Wayne Rooney are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says; "before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Ronaldo first he asks, "what do you believe?"

Ronaldo looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe football to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from the slums of Rio to the bright lights of Madrid. I have devoted my life to bring such joy to people who stood on the terraces supporting their club."

God looks up and offers Ronaldo the seat to his left. He then turns to Luis Figo , "and you, Luis , what do you believe?" Figo stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Figo the seat to his right.

Finally, he turns to Wayne Rooney , "and you, Wayne , what do you believe?"

"I believe", says Rooney,"you're sitting in my seat."

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Blue Blubber 104 (Dave B Watson)

redshite TV

:00-9:00 Scrapheap Challenge - Two teams of contestants try to assemble a decent football team from the Liverpool squad.

9:00-11:00 Film: As Good As It Gets - Liverpool qualify for the UEFA Cup.

11:00-12:00 Faking It - Gerard Houllier pretends to be a football manager but will he fool anyone?

12:00-13:00 How do they do that? Stories behind the most unbelievable events and occurrences. This weeks programme concentrates on Emile Heskey. How does he keep getting picked for the England team? How comes a guy built like a "Brick Privy" spends more time on his back then Jordan does? The most unbelievable story is how the hell did he manage to score an overhead kick against Birmingham? Was it meant to be a pass? Find out.......

14:00-15:00 The Weakest Link - Anne Robinson hosts this popular quiz programme. Tonight's special contestants are the entire Liverpool midfield.

15:00-16:00 Holby City - This weeks episode: "Hypochondriac". Michael Owen is admitted for another hamstring injury sustained playing pool/golf with his mates, but discharges himself immediately when he realises he's forgotten his Teddy Bear.

16:00-18:00 Film: End of Days - Liverpool's realisation that a once great European footballing force now target the Worthless Cup as their only hope of silverware.

18:00-19:00 Film '04 - Jonathan Ross reviews all the latest blockbuster movies. This week he reviews Bend It Like Big Nose and Dumb & Dumber II - The Gerrard & Thompson story.

19:00-20:00 Whose Line is it Anyway? - Ex-Liverpool player and Anfield favourite Nobbie Fowler discusses drug etiquette at parties (allegedly).

20:00-22:00 Newsnight Special - Incredible footage taken by the Americans, shot last Saturday, watched by the nation. A dazed, dishevelled and clearly bewildered leader being led from his temporary shelter. The slow realisation that the mighty empire he thought he ruled had crumbled, and that the game was finally up. Finally knowing that, instead of being loved, he was hated by his own people and laughed at by everyone else...........and Phil Thompson next to him in the dugout didn't look much better.

22:00-22:04 Attacking Highlights - All Liverpool's attacking highlights from the first half of the season.

22.05 Paul Mckenna show ......Paul makes 11 people believe they are premiership footballers.

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Blue Blubber 103 (David Clark )

New redshite kit !!

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Blue Blubber 102 (Paul Jones )

Who's The Squaddie?
e-mail sausage@bluekipper.com if you know

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Blue Blubber 101 (Stephen Chaderton)

Special Agent Thaksin has landed again!! New kop anthem - 'You'll Never Wok Alone!' What's Our Name? 'Wiwer-woo, Wiwer-woo, Wiwer-woo'!!

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