Well me hearties sorry that I have been missing awhile, but Seaman Stain, Master Bates and myself have had no gripes to answer. We were about to set sail for Christmas to rape and pillage on the high sea's, when a gem of an e mail came into us from a Chelsea fan, upset with a piece bluekipper had done on their beloved Jose's apology to AJ. Read on:

That piece you wrote on José's apology wasn't very gracious.

José Mourinho made a full apology and admitted that he had made a mistake. Unlike, ooooh, I don't know, Arsène Wenger, José's said sorry without qualification.

Apparently what is good enough for your club isn't good enough for you. Instead you have to write a very mealy-mouthed piece which shows no grace, magnanimity or forgiveness. Worst of all, it wasn't even funny.

Happy season of goodwill to you. (Nicholas Cendrowicz)

Captain Haddock replies: Well Nicholas, judging from the tone of your letter and your name, you will be a Chelsea fan me thinks. What part of Kazakhstan are you from, the impoverished North, or the affluent South.

We at bluekipper are so sorry that we have upset you and your Chelsea friends, how dare we. Jose words of apology were true and from the heart. How cynical of us to think that your other great man of integrity Peter Kenyon would dare to pen the words for your Portuguese Man of War, the might Jose. How silly of us to think, that the incident with the Special One was a one off. Did we see him up to it again at the Skunks on Wednesday night, brandishing an imaginary yellow card, no not at all, I should have gone to Specsavers hey !!

Jose has gone out of his way since he came to England to integrate with the natives and be loved. The way he goes out to cement that special bond with other managers and fans is a joy to watch. He never would allow himself to be controversial, be bigger than the game itself. I loved the way last Year at the BBC Sports Personality of the Year, how the great one stood alongside that also ran of World Football Pele, oh how the Brazilian must have been on awe of the company he was keeping, as Jose lapped up the plaudits, as he was announced as the Special One, and he loved it !!

If ever a manager and a CEO were made for a club, it is Jose, Peter Kenyon and Chelsea, what a force. When the Russian rubles have long gone, your ship will sink faster than the Titanic on fast forward. The biggest club in the World, surely you must be, money must buy you class, Jodie Marsh, Jordan and Paris Hilton, I rest my case.

We may not be the richest club in the world, but our history is something Romans Rubles will never get his hands on. You see Nicholas, people in glass houses should not throw stones. How rich of Jose to point out that AJ dived, all I will say is Didier Drogba, Arjen Robben, Joe Cole and Ashley Cole, would all serve their respective countries well in the Gymnastics at the next Olympics.

Thanks once again for your gripe Nicholas, and we all hope at bluekipper that you have a merry Merry Christmas. (22/12/06)

From Anon (Lancashire)

Dear Captain Haddock, I'm a little worried about something that happened in the pub the other night whilst watching the Spanish Cup Final with my mates. To set the scene the three lads I was with, profess to be diehard shite fans. Now considering that The shite were playing at home that night in front of less than 35000 and they where sat in the pub, you might wonder. Anyway the Landlord came over to tell them the wonderful news of Hamman's fluke and gets chatting. During the conversation the landlord then asked them a little trivia question about their heroes over the way. The reason that I am worried is that I new the answer straight away. I didn't let on as I thought that I would wait to see if they could get it. Anyway after a good few minutes in which several goals flew in, in Spain I broke my silence. I am worried that this is not natural behaviour for a blue of 25 years to know more about them than they do. I hate them, I know I do, but this is affecting me. Could it be (as I hope) that shite fans really do know nothing about football. Please can you reassure me that I am OK.

Captain Haddock replies: Ahh, Anon, another one of those names, and me thinks that you all must be from the same family. Most die hard shite fans, like your chums, have never seen the inside or for that matter the outside of Analfield, so really it is no surprise that they were sat in their local, watching a match beamed live from 2000 miles away, when their so called beloved team had a match on the same evening, attracting a very poor 35,000. You see because the game was midweek, all the Irish, Scandinavians, and woolies like your good friends, could not be arsed, getting off their fat arses to travel to see their heroes play.

I have, with the aid of Seaman Stain, done a bit of delving into your so called friends back grounds. With the information I have at hand, it is no surprise to me, and I doubt to our readers either, that these people our clueless.

All were born in a small village in Lancashire, and their reasons for following the shite, are poor to say the least. Arthur, the fat geek out of your mates, who has the spotty arse, decided on his love for the poo on the back, that his mam bought The Beatles Greatest Hits Album for Christmas of 1974. He heard this new group were from Liverpool, and he thought because of the link, that they had to be the team for him. Amos, your hairy butted friend, once knew a fellow who had stayed in Merseyside on business, and he thought the bond was strong enough to profess his love for the club. That leaves Seth, your mate with the shitty breath, and cabbage ears. We found his story most disturbing, as when he was a school boy he had to attend extra lessons, as his grammar was shocking. In his class was a certain Ian Rush, and they struck up an unlikely alliance, and needless to say he never once went to Analfield to see his school friend play, but to this day, he still professes his love for the club.

Your worry about knowing the answer to the quiz question about the poo, set by the landlord of your hostelry, should not be of a worry to you. As you state do we actually know more about football than them. My answer on that one is short, and I can put you at your ease with two simple, and I mean simple words, Gerrard Houllier. So Anon, I hope this has helped you out, and if I can be of assistance to you in the future, please do not hesitate to get in touch. (24/11/04)