MOYESY AND THE MEANING OF LIFE:
PART 1, THE MOMENT OF BIRTH.
By
Mickey Blue Eyes.

"………So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray there's intelligent life out there in space
'Cause there's bugger all down 'ere on Earth."
MONTY PYTHON SONG BY ERIC IDLE.

At LAST. The REAL thing.

This thought crossed my mind as I watched gorgeous Jane Fonda in the opening credits of an old sci-fi movie called "Barbarella." Jane was floating upside down in zero gravity and undulating every whichways as she weaved sinuously out of a space suit. It all helped to reveal every glorious millimetre of wondrous feminine curves.

When the movie first appeared that scene caused uproar in the Dixie bible belt and in the Norman Insane Tebbit Wankers Institute for Tories (NITWIT) Film Club. The rest of humanity, the sane ones, were far too busy feeling good about it. Lousy special affects haven't dimmed the spectacle of Jane's doe-eyed erotic odyssey. If god exists it's in the shape of a woman. Hot damn! but that girl needed a good seeing to!

I remember yonks ago a Yankette on an airplane telling me she believed in god only when she had an orgasm. She turned out to be a Californian. Of course. This woman wasn't in the Mile High Club, she was in the Zonked Outa Her Head Club. Most Californians are from the Planet Zonk, or at least one of its orbiting moons. Maybe she knew Jane Fonda.

Envy isn't part of my personality but I have to concede at least a twinge of it when I imagine what Roger Vadim said and did to get Jane to take the part. Rehearsals must have been a gas, or something. After which she cavorted through almost every male fantasy. By the time he finished with her she'd changed from a classic, buttoned-up young middle-class suburban Yank frumpette to emerge as a free-thinking chrysalis of American womanhood. She could have walked all over me in Barbarella's thigh length boots and I would have babbled an apology for being in her way. Vadim, you bastard, you've got it coming, dead or alive. You got there first and I'll never forgive you.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the real thing. Footy, that is. Oh well.

Well, not well at all, really. The week opened with our right-wing media squealing like stuck pigs over vice-chairman Bill Kenwright's £200k political contribution to "new" Labour. Needless to say all the sour "Evertonian" knob'eads joined in, the ones who've had their behinds smacked by fate in (a) the takeover, (b) the Kings Dock and/or (c) EFC's refusal to buy something from them. Hell hath no fury like a dickhead scorned.

Predictably, a standard Manc tory MEP also joined in. In the latter case he lined up with standard "new" Labour blowhards like fat Peter Kilfoyle MP, fat Arlene McCarthy MEP (another Manc-based divvy, married to a prof at Manchester University) and the signatories of Early Day Motion 923. In the Mancs' case you can understand their reluctance for Merseyside to have anything competing with their Manchester arenas. Their vested interests are so obvious it is almost laughable. But for the rest?……Tosspots the lot of 'em.

So far as the Kings Dock is concerned it doesn't really matter. Whatever, the die will be cast during the next few months. Kenwright's contribution to "new" Labour won't matter one way or the other because the project stands or falls on its own merits. Paul Gregg is the motivating force anyway.

Now I haven't the slightest idea if Bill Kenwright IS trying to buy something, whether it's a knighthood or the Kings Dock. Fact is, all political contributions should be stopped………………and should have been decades ago. In which case your average tory/nazi ranting righties would have been totally goosed without contributions from their paymasters in unelected big business. You know, like appointed "president" Shrub, nominee of Texas Big Oil (y'all come back to Florida now, y'hear?). Or like fat drugs dealer tory Kenneth Clark, English mouthpiece apologist for Big Tobacco Nicotine Junky Transnationals Inc.

Kenwright shouldn't have made the contribution. Period. If the contribution is bent, then dear old Bill should be sent to the slammer for twenty years and the KD should be binned. Fact is all major parties should be funded by the state, then there can be no quibble. It really is that straightforward.

In the meantime: you listening out there all you tories, you Manc-politicos-who-don't-want-any-competition, Kilfoyle and co., and you sour "Evertonian" apologists for misery? Screw YOU. How does it feel to have it turned back on you? Work it up you with salt and lemon, sideways. Life goes on with or without you, preferably the latter. As usual, when these dimwits open their mouths they tell you more about themselves than any of the issues.

There. That was immensely satisfying.

Where was I?

Oh yes, the real thing. Footy, that is.

Friday morning, Radio Five interviewed an MBA spokesman apologist for the temporary rip-off crew who run footy's top division. In it, he said executive boxes subsidised "cheap" prices for the average fan. It was bollocks of course but the interviewer was completely useless and failed to batter the disgusting carpet-bagger with the kind of questions which could have destroyed him. Just one more tiresome example of how these people create an illusory bubble and then climb inside it to take them to "free market" cloud-cuckoo land.

There was a nice little surprise on the same programme when CABE's CEO came on and said there will be more inner city stadia built to help the urban regeneration process. He particularly mentioned Kings Dock. That was immensely satisfying too, though you can bet it had the Melledrew Tendency eating their own intestines.

Up in Scotland, all the other clubs have given Rangers and Celtic two years notice of quitting the existing Jock league set-up. Which, I am delighted to say, screws up the greedy-bastard Old Firm good style, an excellent pre-emptory strike. Now they HAVE to get in somewhere else or do as they're told. Be interesting to see how this works out. Doubtless the two carpet-bagging outfits will try England yet again, maybe even the laughable "Atlantic League." Me, I'd kick their grubby selfish arses all the way to the Antarctic and leave them there. The thought of either of the two religionazi clubs being in our English game makes me consider watching hockey on Saturday afternoons. Be nice if the English league would do the same to the two G14 clubs in our own set up……………………

So we got to Saturday morning. And do you know what? I could not get myself into the right first-match frame of mind. It was just one of those things. Maybe it was the pre-season hype and all the expectations flying around. Most of it seemed to me to have an air of unreality about it. I despise phony hype at the best of times and even our most fanatical one-eyed fans would concede these are not, er, the best of times.

The gathering in Wetherspoons included the Jones Boys and Dad, Ian, Phil, The Editor, Texyla and Mogsy. I couldn't shake off a sense of foreboding about the game but everyone else was upbeat and full of the usual gags and stories. I have no explanation for the feeling. After all, Spurs were short of some good players for the game. On paper it all looked very promising. But we all know that just isn't the way football works out. Maybe I was put out by Gary's outfit, a cross between a deck chair and a pair of mohair curtains-turned-into-kecks. (Private Note: Did you get that, bollocks? Told you I'd get me own back!).

In the ground there were a lot of 100 years banners and stuff, plus an emotional moment when a lot of previous players assembled in the centre circle. Which was great and a bit of a tear-jerker for some people. Then we got two conducted songs from the new CD. Bill Kenwright wrote the lyrics, for which he should be dragged along to Great Homer Street Market by his heels and publicly logged and flogged. Oh well, you can't have everything and Moyesy too. Then we got the drum roll of Z cars and they were out in front of a full house agog with expectancy. It was an absolutely gorgeous day, very hot and humid.

Nice to see almost everyone had renewed their season tickets around me.

Teams, Wrighty in goal, Tony/Nace full backs, The Gravedigger/Li Ti/Pembo in midfield, Davey/Stubbsy centre backs, The Rad/SuperKev/The Duke up front, 4-3-3 I believe. Their best known players were Sheringham and the pinky crock, Redknapp. Les Ferdinand was on the bench. We should have known.

We made a good start but it still took a quarter-hour for the first shot. The ball got threaded patiently to our left with Kev chasing it, sideways onto goal at the angle of the penalty box. Nace came steaming in from wide left with a clear opportunity at walloping it. Instead, Kev swivelled and shot straight at the Yank Keller. Maybe Nace didn't call because he expected it to be left. Whatever, it was a good chance we should have done better with.

Spurs weren't doing much at all. Their best two players were two very tall centre backs who won everything in the air and were more than competent on the ground. Kev had an interesting battle with the two of them all afternoon and kept them fully occupied. The Rad played wide right most of the match, a position which seems to suit his pace better than in the centre. The Duke had a good game for the time he was on, nothing flashy, nothing spectacular, just doing his share when he could and all of it without looking overawed or out of his depth. At one point he tried one of his twist-and-shoot routines from the same position as Kev's miss but he didn't get much on the shot and it bounced through to Keller.

Pembo was our best player all afternoon, wide left and looking for it all the time. This surprised me since we all know his best position is centre-left. He took most of our corners and almost all of them were absolute beauties and caused no end of problems for the Spurs defence. Idan Tal and Sandro could learn a lot from watching Pembo carry out what should be an elementary task. The Gravedigger was, well, The Gravedigger and there isn't too much I can add to previous opinions. He isn't going to change unless we have a team which allows him to play to his strengths, which just isn't going to happen. Li Ti was a revelation to me. He was quick, tidy, never gave the ball away and a strong tackler for one so slight. Some of his long passing was superb. Moysey may have unearthed a diamond there.

In centre defence Davey was his usual unspectacular, immaculate self. Stubbsy, alas, was less than average and must surely give way to Yobo when he's fit, whenever that is. Tony was up against Spurs best forward in Etherington and did well for most of the game but tired badly in the last half hour. Nace took another step back to full fitness in this game and won't relinquish his position easily.

Wrighty has made a bad start and this game added to it. He's confident with crosses and kicks and fields the ball well but somehow he seems not that much better than Simmo. The hope has to be that he gets determined to improve himself.

Overall the pattern of the play was that we dominated for the best part of an hour and then faded in the last half hour. It was a familiar pattern, though Moyesy appears to have them playing with a good deal more fluidity. For the time being you have to give the new players time to "bed in" and everyone get used to the required formation.

We got our first about ten minutes before half time after a sharp move down the right got played across the park going The Rad - SuperKev - The Duke………..and perfectly laid off by the wünderkind into the path of a headlong rush from Pembo and he cracked an unstoppable shot inside Keller's right hand post. We had long deserved it through possession of most territory and continuing pressure. It wasn't spectacular but it was reassuringly different from Smiffy's teams.

In the second half our play gradually lost impetus and Spurs had imposed themselves on the game by the time the equaliser arrived twenty minutes after half time. It was a good goal too, very similar to Pembo's. Etherington smashed the ball home off the crossbar. By this time Spurs were playing competently more through our faded fortunes than anything else. Redknapp, taunted mercilessly throughout, was doing especially well for them in midfield.

But we had two efforts which came through The Duke's persistence. First, he hit one of his specials from outside the box, a dipping screamer right on target until Keller got an excellent finger tip on it and slipped it narrowly over the bar. Then he got to the left byline after shrugging off one of their defenders and crossed it high to Stubbsy at the far post. Sadly, Stubbsy mistimed his jump with a clear goal in front of him. Instead of it bulleting in off his head it went up in the air and Keller collected it as it dropped.

Ten minutes later Les Ferdinand came on with a plaster cast on his wrist. I said, "That's it. Might as well give the bastard a goal now." No sooner were the words out of my mouth than he poked a shot in from the edge of the left box and Wrighty patted at it low down left and it bounced in. It was a gaff every bit as bad as anything Paul's ever done. My match forebodings looked justified. If anything, it looked as though they were going to add to the lead. I felt glum.

Under Smiffy this might have been justified. Likely we wouldn't have pulled it back. Instead, six minutes later we were level with the goal of the game. Wide right, and just inside our half, SuperKev dinked one over their defence for The Rad to run clear parallel and close to the touchline. Then he turned in sharply, wasted a defender as though he wasn't there (his pace must be murder to play against) and hit an instant left foot shot inside Keller's right post. It was a goal even the great Jimmy Greaves would have been proud of. Relief rolled around the ground.

The last ten minutes played out with both sides determined not to lose it, though Spurs looked more likely than we did.

Funny, but afterwards I felt thoroughly deflated. Back at Wetherspoons I was once again the only misery-arse in sight. Everyone else was reasonably pleased.

Ale was quaffed, we moved to town………………girls wearing not very much over mostly gorgeous figures. Hang on, this is where I came in.

David Moyes: : "I've told Richard I felt he should have saved both goals, the first and the second. He came into the dressing room and knew he should have done better. But overall his game was very good. He kicked well, commanded his box and he was sharp behind his defenders. But when you are a goalkeeper and you make mistakes, goals go in. That's what happened here. To be fair, when you accept mistakes and own up then you always have a chance to improve."

Team News

Everton fans have done their part in making the opening game with a great atmosphere already by making the 1st game a sell out. No tickets are available.

Moyesy says: “I’ve got no doubt that Evertonians will play their part this season. I’ve always said they’ve played a massive part not only at home, but away the supporters were fantastic, but at Goodison we really do need to make it a place were teams come and realise that the atmosphere is going to be very difficult to come into. It lifts the players no end - and whatever happens the people I’ve seen and spoken to about Everton are very passionate, so come three o’clock on a Saturday that’s we want them to be. It’s an exciting time for me certainly being the manager of Everton Football Club and hopefully, it’s an exciting time for the supporters, but more importantly for the players, who we hope can build on the end of last season and improve and hopefully do better.”

To commemorate being the 1st club in English football to have played 100 seasons in the top flight, Everton are to have a parade of former stars at 2.30pm. Moysey is still keeping his cards close to his chest regarding his team selection. All he has said is that there will be more than one player making his debut. With Wrighty a certainty to start. You have to shuffle Rooney, Rodrigol, Tie, & Yobo for the other spot, or then again they all could play.
Be there early. (16/08/02)

Well we are nearly there and its getting very exciting. I can't wait. It is always very difficult to try and pick what the starting eleven will be for any game. It was impossible last season. But this season we are going to try and read Moyesy's mind.

One thing for certain is the Captain and Nick Chadwick is out. And it looks as though the game may have come too quickly for the likes of Stevie Watson, Pisto and Scot Gemmill.

But there may be chances for Joey Yobo and Li Tie. Joey played the full 90 in a behind closed doors practice game against Burnley yesterday to give him much needed match practice. But David Moyes has said that he won't play anyone who is not 100%. Li Tie and Li Weifeng have been impressing everybody at Goodison with their efforts in training. Also Li Tie put an impressive last 20 minutes against Bilbao last Saturday. Davie Weir said "What I have seen from the two Chinese lads has been good. They've only been here a week or so, but what I have seen in training has been impressive."

Lets hope whoever plays gives everything they've got and we get the victory we deserve. I want to wake up on Sunday with a very bad hangover. (14/08/02)

Jogger's eleven to start: Wright, Hibbert, Weir, Stubbs, Naysmith, Alexandersson, Li Tie, Gravesen, Unsworth, Campbell, Rooney.