POLL TAX
By
Mickey Blue Eyes

During the American Civil War an odd audio phenomenon was identified as “sound shadow.” This occurred when a battle took place in uneven terrain; though the murderous tumult could be heard up to fifty miles away very often you could hear next to nothing on the other side of a hill or mountain. Later, audio science gave it rational explanation and complicated-sounding technical terms. Even so, experiencing it can be somewhat eerie.

On Saturday I was late for the game and had to trot quickly to the ground after parking up. But there was little evidence of an important match in the offing even though Royal Blue pilgrims were converging hurriedly on the Old Lady from all directions. You could hear hardly anything from Goodison. Somehow, it all felt out of kilter with the usual derby day hype and nonsense. “Sound shadow” in practice.

Inside, bedlam. All the noise you wanted in fact, including a text message from Chris in Oz to Neil instructing us all to give them shit. We didn’t have to. The team did it for us. As usual, both sides hoisted the Black Flag from the off.

Our Beloved Blues really, really wanted this one. For once all the pre-match statements were lived up to. They battled for every ball, chased every lost cause and passed it around fairly impressively when they got the opportunity. Which, given the perennial derby hustle and mayhem, wasn’t as much as we would have liked. If you can’t have everything then the next best thing is a 3-0 derby win. It was a really determined team performance and one right in the eye for the vacuous dopes who’ve had a go at David Moyes during the summer for no reason other than they have to have someone or something to whine about.

Not that you thought that after ten seconds. To everyone’s amazement straight from the kick off the pinky Fowler was allowed to virtually stroll through slightly midleft. Either he was surprised himself or he’s been line dancing again because the ensuing effort into the Park End was as weak as Julian Cleary’s male genes. Had he got hold of the shot properly it might have made the afternoon even more interesting and vibrant than it was. Talk of shadows, poor Robbie is exactly that, and it’s all his own fault. When you’ve got the world at your feet what you don’t do is try to kick it around. In many ways those opening few seconds summed up the way the pinkies played.

In fact initially both sides made it plain they weren’t going to be intimidated. Bodies bowled to the ground at frequent intervals, the crowd howled raucously, and the referee, Poll, was his usual stupid, incapable self. Meanwhile, some good footy got played too. Gradually it became clear we were going to get something out of the game. Play went end to end in encouraging fashion though you always felt we had an edge the pinkies couldn’t summon.

Sure enough on twenty five minutes we undid them with a classic Andy Johnson-Mikky combo down the right. AJ slid the ball wide right to a seemingly land-locked Mikky and he dinked in a spiffy little cross that landed right on the shining Carsley pate at the end of a sharp run to just beyond the right edge of their goal area. From whence a gentle backward nudge sent it into the middle and an unmarked Tim Cahill slid it under the body of the equally bald-headed ‘keeper. The pinkies defence was AWOL, and not for the first or last time. They had all congregated around Mikky or were busy falling over or glaring sternly at each other.

Ten minutes later, the lesson unlearned, we moved down the same wing, a similar combo, this time Andy Johnson again outstripped a hapless defender and then stuck it home from an acute angle under the ‘keeper. Talk about a suckers paradise.

It wasn’t all one way though. Far from it. Tim Howard had to make a world class save high right from a quite exquisite swerving shot from a pink midfielder right of the D. On other occasions he had to move quickly to crosses or smother the ball close in. Even at two ahead you couldn’t settle. So why should this derby be different from any of the other two hundred and three?

In the second period the enemy had a good spell for maybe a quarter hour midway through the half. You prayed for Our Boys to get a second wind from somewhere on the basis that if we let one in we’d probably cede another. Even that was bolstered by the fact we hadn’t leaked one either side of half time, which was our biggest downfall last season. Still, the pinkies hit a post and missed narrowly on a couple of other occasions and had a string of corners. They were never convincing though and gradually we got our second wind from somewhere and in the last (added) five minutes managed a few attacks of our own.

Then in the last minute came A Tommy Cooper Moment by the pinky ‘keeper. It was distinctly reminiscent of the immortal glass-bottle-bottle-glass sketch. Would any derby be complete without at least one of these at either end? A move down the left eventually got the ball across to Lee Carsley some thirty metres out centre mid. He banged in a wicked curve ball that unnerved their ‘keeper at head height and all he could do was parry it upward and backward, and then scramble back to try and keep it out. Off balance, he pawed it weakly into the air and Andy Johnson (who else?) came in in usual bullet fashion and butted it home. Game shot.

My man of the match was Phil Neville. In unity with Lee Carsley he provided the midfield tightness we lacked so badly last season. Mikky had a whale of a time wide right and had them clustered around him every time he got the ball, though they could have had ten men around him and it wouldn’t have made the slightest bit of difference when he’s in this kind of mood. Leon Osman kept going without hitting the form he showed last week; sadly, when it gets rough is when he tends to fall from grace.

The back four were rock solid again even when Tony Hibbert showed signs of rustiness from lay-off. Once again Joey Yobo and Joleon Lescott showed signs of an amazingly mature partnership. And Gary Naysmith was unrecognisable to the low-confidence player of last season. Tim Howard looks a ready made replacement for Nigel Martyn – if we can turn the loan arrangement into a transfer.

Tim Cahill played in tandem with Andy Johnson up front and reaped the benefit, thus demonstrating how much he really depends on players around him to function at his best. Which isn’t something you can say about Andy Johnson. More than most you will see he MAKES things happen up front because he never stops. By the end of the match the pinkies defence must have been heartily sick of him.

Overall it was another excellent unified performance to rank with the away match at Tottenham. It was very similar to the kind of team work shown during the “fourth” season, but this time with more variety and greater width. If we can keep this up who knows what lies ahead? Now if we could just sign one more midfielder………………

Finally, the referee, Graham Poll. The man was an utter oaf in virtually everything he did. He should be dismissed from the league list immediately. In this match, for a change, both sides suffered from his appalling incompetence. There were many examples, including a blatant penalty to the enemy. Yet still he showed an alarming partiality for injured pinkies that didn’t extend to Ours, especially when Lee Carsley was felled right in front of him and he was left prone on the ground. In the end his decisions were met by derisory laughter from all sides. He’s a joke, and a very bad one at that.

Still, we won and won well. Welcome back the real David Moyes, more power to your elbow

My mood while writing this is the complete opposite of the one I had while writing about the Watford game. This is what Everton Football Club is about, passion, pride, bravery, skill and tenacity. All of these characteristics came to the fore as the game developed.

The game passed fairly quickly, and I saw it as a well organised backs to the wall job. Although it would be fair to say Liverpool enjoyed the Lion’s share of possession in the game, only one team wanted to win this derby. Anything Liverpool threw at us, we dealt with. The back four had the woeful Crouch, and that has been Smackhead Fowler in their pocket. We thoroughly enjoyed a rousing rendition of “He’s tall, he’s shit, the goal he cannot hit! Peter Crouch!!!”

Everton broke forward and Arteta received a lovely pass, a good cross was flicked on, and Tim Cahill (who is turning into something of a Talisman against the reds) was on hand to lash it home. 1-0 and still comfortable, we
were sent into blue heaven when Johnson tore the defence to shreds with awesome pace and slotted it coolly beyond Reyna. 2-0, and The Glad went mental.

I missed the first seven minutes of the second half waiting for drinks after so much shouting. Liverpool continued to come forward, but again our defence dealt with any problems. Liverpool also had a good few corners, but Aurelio was absolute shite at delivery, and actually looked scared at times. The last few minutes was mostly Everton, and we sensed blood. Naysmith went very close, and Johnson nearly headed a goal. Then, the icing on the cake. Carlsey goes for it, Reyna catches it, throws it away from danger, and who should be there but Andy Johnson, to head it out of his reach and into the roof of the net. 3-0, cue delirium. Fooking hilarious!

We milled out in a haze of early autumn sunshine and rowdy Everton songs. 3-0 against the kopites, top of the table (at the time), and MOTD to look forward to.

Player Ratings: HOWARD - 10, HIBBERT - 8, NAYSMITH - 9, LESCOTT - 9, YOBO - 9, ARTETA - 8, CAHILL - 9, CARSLEY - 8, NEVILLE - 9, OSMAN - 8, JOHNSON - 10 (MAN OF THE MATCH)

Subs: BEATTIE - 6, VALENTE - 7

REF - 4. FANS - 11.

Fans Match Report By Joeverton

It was without doubt a match that would both define the future of the blues season and the purchase of Andrew Johnson. Both futures look assured as Everton cruised to what must be the best result against the shite for many many many years. This eclipses most Everton victories since the heady days of the 80's and Moyesy's tactics where spot on. The not blue half of our city where outplayed out defended out attacked in fact out everythinged in an Everton victory that if sustained will send a message to both the prem league and the England manager. In Johnson we have a player who is rapidly making Rooney look average, his work rate and running making the former Moyesy protege looking more the fat arrogant overated twat we all knew him to be. The king is dead. Long live Johnson.

Not only did Everton want to win more than the shite they wanted to prove to each other as well as the crowd that they could play the ball better and they did with style, pleasing the crowd was secondary in a display in which Moyesy's team pleased each other with a sublime display of football. Gone were the hit and hope tactics so readily deployed in previous derby's. Fresh blood in the back four as well as in the forward line were the key to this Everton white wash with Lescott looking just as an astute a buy, as Johnson. Yobo especially enjoying the introduction of the class centre half who shows pace vision and commitment. The season is young but if Everton play half as well as they did in this match, we have no one to fear this season and as the song by Yazz goes "The only way is Up. " Joeverton. (15/09/06)

Moyesy says: "It feels as good as any other victory and other Everton manager has had in a Merseyside derby. We have not won many in the past and Liverpool have a terrific team with some fabulous players. I have to give great credit to our players for how they played today.

We only get three points for today's victory so we just want more of that. We have had some bad games against Liverpool here in the past so hopefully we are making improvements and going in the right direction. We always said he would score goals. But for me, his second goal, where he gambled, was terrific. I didn't think it ever looked like one up front. We always looked as if there was more than one up there with our wide boys."

Andy Johnson says: "It is a massive, massive occasion. The fans have been brilliant and the boys have been brilliant. We got amongst them and didn't give them time to play. We have got to keep our feet on the ground," he said. We have had a great start to the season, but we have got a tough game next weekend as well. It is fantastic to be top but we can't get ahead of ourselves." (10/09/06)

What did you think of the match?  Did Moyesy get his team selection and tactics right?  e-mail info@bluekipper.com after the game.

* What can you say about that then, without a massive smile across your face? 3-0 DEMOLITION of one of the BIG (ha ha ha!!) boys. 3-0 and they had twelve men (say no more). 2-0 down so they all left early, there was me waiting for a rendition of You'll Never Walk Alone (not!!) One of the funniest moments in my years as an Everton supporter. What the hell was their goalie doing with Sir Andy's head in his hands whilst the ball was hitting the roof of the Park End net? Well done lads. What a fantastic team performance. Well done to the fans, great atmosphere, we do make a difference when we get behind the lads. Keep it going next Saturday. Eddieparkend COYB.

* We twatted them big style, we were great, they were shite, the reshite fans fucked off dead early and haven't stopped bellyaching since. End of. COYB! Kevin Latham

* Superb game! We tore the shite apart. Moyes got his tactics spot on. My only complaint is Poll what a pric. Any way do do do do do do Andy Johnson. Margaret Kane

* I, like Lavo, too have a head like a sore bear and an arse like a blood orange, I was absolutely bollocked yesterday. I was signing and dancing around my pub whilst my closet redshite boss sulked off home. They were immense, each and every one of them, even Naysmith! I love Everton, so so much, and this really brings it home, as it's the first game I watched on Sky that we've actually won!! Also Reidy's face was a picture on Prem Plus, grinning from left to right, marvellous!!! Now, let's stuff Wigan (proper like) and keep our head whilst that Spanish twat gets his P45 sorted out! TRUE BLUE TIL I DIE Rich Welsh Blues

* What more can you say other than 11 heroes and a hero manager, it feels so good to beat the shite. James Fletcher

* Moyesy getting the spare ball kicked at him, and like a typical centre half, failing miserably to control it.

* The shite end deserting a sinking ship with ten minutes to go. It was like the Kemyln Road of old.

* Nigel Martyn being introduced to the fans on the pitch to say his good-byes.

I'm starting to feel sick. I want to cry on my own in the corner of the room. It's that time again when I pick my nose and I don't care who sees me doing it.

Stubbsey and Faddy are out. I think Moyesy will will keep with Andy as a lone striker, with Biffa staying on the bench. It is a surprise that Shandy Andy is in the squad and maybe he could get a place to have a go at the shite. To be honest I don't care who plays as long as we win. I want to get home and watch, with one eye, the midnight version of Football First with some cheese on toast, a big mug of tea and a packet of bourbon creams. Then fall asleep on the couch with a big smile on my face. Come On You Blues.

Everton from: Howard, Wright, Hibbert, Weir, Yobo, Lescott, Valente, Naysmith, Neville, Carsley, Davies, Cahill, Osman, Arteta, van der Meyde, Johnson, Beattie, Anichebe.

Jogger's Eleven To Start: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Lescott, Valente, Osman, Carsley, Cahill, Arteta, van der Meyde, Johnson

Moyesy says: “Money isn’t always everything in football but at this moment in time it’s playing a big part and the clubs with the bigger investment are the ones who have been able to stay up at the top end. Liverpool have done that and have spent to challenge the top teams. At Everton we’ve spent what we can afford to do and we’ll try to challenge everybody if we can, but obviously we know it’s a tough ask. But when it comes to Saturday we’ll hopefully go out there and give them as good a game as we possibly can.”

Tim Howard says:"It would make the Everton fans really happy and I guess it will please some of the United fans happy, too, if we can put one over on them. I am looking forward to it and it can't come soon enough. Our form has been good and that's important. Our first three games have gone pretty well so we are just looking to continue that. It will be a highly contested game just like every other derby. That's the way it should be and that's what makes them special."

Leon says: "We're right up for the derby, and we are looking to keep up that level of passing and performance. The manager has not necessarily introduced a new style of play, he's just been reminding us that we are footballers first and foremost, and the players throughout the whole side - not just the midfield - are those that like to keep the ball and pass it around, so we shouldn't be afraid to do it.

IF ANY EVERTON FAN WANTS TO WRITE A REPORT OF ANY OF THIS SEASON'S GAMES, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO. JUST E-MAIL IT TO info@bluekipper.com AND WE WILL PUT IT ON THE SITE.

Lavo's Bet:  AJ has given us a decent profit so far. If you had followed our tips up to now a £30 layout in three matches on AJ for first goal would have netted you over £140, with him scoring first in two out of the three. Stick with AJ first goal all season and if you bang a £5 on a game you should get him up more often than not. We already have ten free bets up to now with our profits.

In saying that my other £5 is going on Mikky Arteta at a decent 12/1. Me thinks Mr. Wank Shaft Poll will even his awful refereeing of late up with a penalty or a decent position for a free kick. (08/09/06)

shite from : A load of Spaniards, a nine foot six freak and Stevie G Laaaaa. Here's how we believe they will line up.