The season arrived on Saturday. It was time for all the pre-season words to stop and for reality catch up with everyone. And how.

Devotees of our gorgeous language will tell you it contains about 650,000 words. Enough, you would think, to satisfy the most loquacious demand in vocabulary or composition. However, there are few places on the planet to better our beloved city when it comes to invention and use of the pejorative skewer in conversation. I missed this badly while living and working abroad. Outside the city you get a definite sense of slowing down. It isn’t that we are particularly “better” at it than anyone else, just that our local argot provides a rare combination of verbal colour and depth of feeling in relatively few words. It isn’t only the neology itself, it is how it is delivered. I have no idea why this developed but there are few who would argue the toss. Anyone who has witnessed the pitiless destruction by a local audience of an out-of-town stand up comic will confirm the notion.

Local word insults are fertile ground for those who love to nurture creative imagination, and football crowds one of the best venues to hear them. The more spontaneous the better. I still think it hard to beat the crowd “shout” recorded on this site where a youngster was overheard asking his dad, “Why is Unsy called Lardarse?” and back came the instant response, “Because he’s gorran arse like yer ma’s.” Scousers everywhere will recognise more than any other just how much that gives away the domestic status. By comparison the cockney term, “ ‘Er indoors,” is something one of our local clerics might use on a bad Sunday. The fact is if a scouser decides to scalp you verbally there’s virtually bugger all you can do except stand there and feel the knife at your forehead. If you are not One Of Us you might as well dissolve into tears and have done with it.

All of which only puzzles you more when it comes to local reaction to certain en vogue words or terms. Personally I find it hugely amusing to see grown men responding like a fourth form schoolgirl in period when they get called a “knobhead.” It’s a word, that’s all. Prior to its invention juveniles used terms like “meff,” “mong” or “dickhead.” Now these are passé. There were others. Coming up hard on the rails are “gimp” and “sockchewer.” As if it mattered. But, see, there’s the thing, to some people it DOES matter, and massively too.

To my astonishment this was best illustrated a few years ago during Tommy Gravesen’s first match for us, a friendly at Blackburn. Rovers had ex-pinky McAteer playing for them and in the very first minute he came to take a throw-in right by the away section. As he collected the ball a lone voice right at the back shouted, “Eyyyyyyy…..knobheadddddddd!” Amazingly, McAteer looked stricken as he glared through the ranks of fans for the guilty one. Which of course was the worst thing he could have done because afterwards every time he went near the ball the same voice came haunting him with the same eerie mantra. You could hear it all over the ground. By the end of the game McAteer had plainly had enough and as he went off he bared one buttock in the general direction of his tormentor. I could scarcely move for laughing. And all through the use of “knobhead.” Gawd knows what it is in the word that triggers near hysteria amongst neurotics.

Why do I mention all of this? Well, it’s the footy season and there’s likely to be a good deal more of the same – and worse (or better, depending on how you look at these things) – as the season wears on. So take yourself too seriously and you’ll deserve everything you get, knobhead. As Billy Connolly once said of his swearing on stage, “Look, it does nae fuckin’ matter.” You might disagree over the use of profanity but it’s difficult to see how anyone can sensibly complain about a non-obscenity.

For us the first day of the season began in a different experimental way, in a tapas bar in town. It was delightful despite Paul’s preference for lager over a rioja gran reserva. Not everyone’s thing of course but more than welcome to this Evertonian who long ago got more than impatient with the sheer seediness of most pre-match County Road ale houses, or indeed any similar pub anywhere in the country. Beats me why the English tolerate such horrible conditions. You don’t get much of it in Europe unless you really go looking for it, or you’re in East Europe. In this case the bar was clean, the service excellent, the food good and the general feel of the place much more civilised than the lager/bitter-swilling paysanne and half-washed glasses of your average non compos mentis ale house. The footy chat was good too. For instance the use of words was, according to Gary, thought serious enough to get Materazzi sentenced by FIFA for doing damage to Zinedane Zidane’s sensitivity in the World Cup final. Gary’s right of course – it creates a bad and puzzling precedent. Meantime, Steve maintained the word “knobhead”, which he loves and uses a lot, had even become a term of endearment depending on circumstances and tone of voice. You takes your choice.

But what sort of precedent? Everyone who has played the game knows verbals are part and parcel of the game. It even takes place in cricket, where it’s termed “sledging.” Most players just give and take it and still get on with the game. Somebody at the table on Saturday recounted the story of an England batsman taking guard at the crease while an Aussie jeered, “Ya fat Pommy bastard, how did ya get like that?” and back came the instant response, “Yer ma gave me a biscuit every time I shagged her.” As the whole world knows this is the only way to deal with inferiority-complex Aussies. It’s the only thing they understand. And gawd help the police at any footy match if opposing fans decided to take the law into their own hands because the other lot had hurt their “feelings” through use of words. In fact this sort of thing only counts if it stings, really stings. Otherwise it is mere background noise in a schoolyard.

And so to the match in Mike’s car, faint drizzling rain, low grey skies and humidity just short of uncomfortable. I wondered who had renewed their season tickets and whether I was going to have a knobhead or two sitting near me. Sadly, Peter and family weren’t there (if you’re reading this, knobhead, get your arse back NOW) and nor was Chris Jackson, apparently viewing the match on TV in Bangkok en route to Australia. (Give 'em hell, Chris.) Equally sadly, there was a new group sitting behind me, one of whom seemed intent on becoming chairman of the Knobhead Society. He was a real King Of The Kids – another outstanding self-explanatory scouse pejorative – with a very loud voice and an apparent wish to yell himself into everyone else’s bad books. Of course he had virtually no knowledge of the game of football and if he keeps it up he’s likely to be told so in no uncertain terms.

The game wasn’t up to much though we deserved to win by more than single goal. Watford were big, strong and out to prove a point without any sort of guile whatever. In that respect they were useful opponents for an opener. The ball spent more time in the air than was comfortable for anyone with a crick in his or her neck. Occasionally we had a good move but by and large it was a scatty game. It was summed up by the goals themselves. Ours came from a deflected shot going wide and an outrageous penalty decision and theirs from a Stubbsy own goal.

Five minutes after the start you felt as though you hadn’t been away from the game. When the standard and pattern of play became obvious the crowd’s early enthusiasm waned, though hope lived on when we made some breaks down the wings. Andy Johnson was our best man while chasing everything he could and that’s how the goal came after a combination with James Beattie through the middle. Watford’s big defenders couldn’t shoulder him away and his determination paid off with a shot that came off a despairing boot. Afterwards, we hit the bar and the post with some smart play that still didn’t convince many of us we were going to take the match by the scruff of the neck. Once again our midfield couldn’t assert itself – sometimes it left the defence embarrassingly on its own. There were two or three occasions in the first half when the defence did it’s job and got the ball out and no midfielder picked the ball up. Had Watford had anyone capable of striking the ball from about twenty metres we could have paid a heavy price. I don’t want to think what this might mean when we meet one of the top teams.

Mostly the defence was well up to the mark when Watford came forward. They had seemingly decided Nuno was the weak link and several times got tremendously accurate long passes out to their right wing to threaten down that side but the Portuguese stood firm until he tired quickly in the second half and got substituted by Joleon Lescott. Who promptly showed with a lot of misdirected headers and some poor passes that left back is not his position. Tim Howard acquitted himself well when he had to, made a couple of quite decent saves and generally provided much more confidence than Wrighty. A few times though he failed to come out for crosses in Wright-like manner. At right back Phil Neville also faced a sometimes-tricky opponent without giving anything away. Joey-Stubbsy again combined well at centre back and snuffed their Very Large Strikers. Stubbsy only once got caught out by pace but their man missed an excellent chance after leaving him for dead with a lightning quick turn.

Really, I don’t know where to start with midfield. Neither did they themselves, apparently. Even Mikky had a poor game. Only Lee Carsley performed to anything like the necessary level and that probably says it all. He did his job well without getting much help from anyone else. And of course he’s a limited player. There’s no point castigating anybody because, as we all know, it’s like flogging a dead horse. If this department of the team is to achieve anything we need a good – and I mean GOOD – all rounder straight away. Until we get him Tim Cahill will be reduced to chasing shadows and occasionally getting on the end of a decent cross to score. Too many uneven performances puts more pressure on the defence and starves the strikers of service. If the present lot don’t start playing like a unit it’s going to be a fractious season.

Despite all this I made Andy Johnson our man of the match. He covered a lot of ground and was obviously out to make his mark in a big way. He gave the Watford defence a difficult time whenever he had the ball. He never let them rest. Every now and then his combinations with Beattie looked very promising but at this stage it is perhaps asking too much for them to be deadly. We’ll see. Anything that improves James Beattie’s attitude has to be welcomed. It wouldn’t do him any harm at all to take a look at the sheer, raw hunger Victor Anichebe showed when he came on. The lad may lack style and guile. What he doesn’t lack is willingness, and the crowd love him for it. If his development matches his will then we might have found another star.

So for the first match in ages we got off to a welcome, winning start. Not before time.

Moyesy says: " We never really settled or got a proper foothold in the game but the points are important to us and it was good to get that win at the start of the season. We didn't win enough first balls but overall we stuck at it and but for a little sloppy play in the last five minutes we would have seen the game out at 2-0. You have to give Watford credit because they put us under a lot of pressure.

We had to start well. I ve been drumming it into the players because it was November 6 last year before we got our first win in the league. We have now got it on the opening day of the season and in that respect it is job done."

What did you think of the match?  Did Moyesy get his team selection and tactics right?  e-mail info@bluekipper.com after the game.

* Good first half on satdee. Second half was the let down. Johnson great. Liam Peters.

* I can't understand why Moyes played Arteta out wide and Cahill in the middle. The second half we were crying out for someone in the middle to put the foot on the ball instead of playing to Watford keep the ball in the air for as much as possible style. Cahill would have been more effective out wide making runs in to the box, with Arteta in the middle pulling the strings. Johnson and Beattie worked well together for the first goal. Although Beattie seemed to loose interest in the second half, not what we want to see from our number 9!!! He may have been more effective with Arteta in the middle distributing the ball...... But a win is a win, lets keep it up on a our travels. Cheers. Rob the Blue.

* Solid start -at least we won!!! Team looked OK - special praise for Yankee Howard and AJ. The rest looked a little bit off the pace. Saying that, it's refreshing to actually win an opening game. Watford were shite - their centre forward looked OK but had no positional sense. Crowd was a bit subdued today - lets hope it gets better. John Halpin.

* The stadium announcer mixing up Harry Hill and Andy Johnson after the striker first goal for the Blues. You would think they were both bald or something.

* The lovely lady who has sat by us for years, and who we secretly pang for. Well not yesterday, red was a bad choice for a top and we told her to the amusement of others around us in the Upper Bullens, the hot pants were ok though. Sort it out for next time, or the 45 yr old piece three rows back will get our attention, you are on last chance saloon. (20/08/06)

Everton v Watford, will always take me back 22 years (shit it seems like yesterday), to that memorable May day when the Rat lifted the FA Cup, in front of Elton's nose. How times have now changed, as we ended up Champions the year after, but with the onset of Russian cash, American gnomes, and French geniuses, that now does seem a life time away.

Anyhow I for one am optimistic for this season, and Moyesy will be fielding three of his Summer signings in the shape of AJ, Roger, and Tim in the sticks. Biffa will partner AJ, and I predict that after Andy Van's miserable run of luck of late, he will start with Faddy out wide instead of the Dutchman. Faddy apparently has been on fire in pre season, and Moyesy may find it difficult to leave the young forward out of the starting eleven. Hibbo is still out, but is making a speedy recovery, and the game may come to early for Nuno, so don't be surprised to see Nace in his left back berth. Phil Neville will skipper the Blues in Davey's absence, and he should revert to right back for Hibbo, leaving the midfield looking like its usual self.

Everton from: Howard, Wright, Neville, Stubbs, Yobo, Valente, Davies, Carsley, Cahill, Arteta, Johnson, Beattie, Anichebe, Van Der Meyde, Lescott, McFadden, Kilbane, Naysmith, Osman

Lavo's Eleven To Start: Howard, Neville, Yobo, Lescott, Naysmith, Arteta, Cahill, Osman, McFadden, Beattie, Johnson.

Moyesy says: "I hope everybody is ready. You will not be able to tell until the ball starts rolling on Saturday but I think we were ready last week to be honest. This is my fifth season starting as Everton manager and it is amazing how time flies. I am really thankful I am still working here at Everton but in the same breath I think we have had some good times during that time.

Their (Watford) last competitive game was against Leeds in the play-off final and they will be bringing that feel good factor with them" (18/08/06)

IF ANY EVERTON FAN WANTS TO WRITE A REPORT OF ANY OF THIS SEASON'S GAMES, PLEASE FEEL FREE TO DO SO. JUST E-MAIL IT TO info@bluekipper.com AND WE WILL PUT IT ON THE SITE.

Watford make their Premiership return after a six year absence after beating Leeds in last season's Play Off Final, and come to a ground that they have never won at (shit why did I say that). Albert Jarrett, Chris Powell, Damien Francis, Dan Shittu (no connection to the pinkies over at Analfield) and Tamas Priskin are all set to make Watford debuts. In defence, while Jay DeMerit has recovered from an ankle injury, another new signing, Clarke Carlisle, has been laid low by the same injury.

Watford from: Foster, Chamberlain, Doyley, DeMerit, Mackay, Stewart, Chambers, Mahon, Spring, Young, King, Henderson, Powell, Francis, Shittu, Priskin, Jarrett.

Last Season: No Corresponding Game.