A FOREIGNER’S ROUGH GUIDE TO PLAYING IN ENGLISH FOOTBALL
By
Mickey Blue Eyes.

Preface.

The influx of foreign players has led to a need for this short guide to expected attitudes and/or definition of terms exercised in the English game and relevant society matters. It is intended for incoming foreign players.

The Home Office has not been consulted in its preparation, nor has the motley crew of Politically Correct self-righteous arseholes who litter the beautiful English landscape.

Read and absorb. You’ll settle in much faster.

1. Fannying around.

Do not fanny around on the field of play. If you do you will be extremely unpopular.

It is best you make an effort to understand the verb “to fanny.” You must not mistake this for the Americanised noun which means “arse,” usually of the female type. “Fanny” in English colloquial also refers to female genitals.

But “fannying” on the field of play means to play in an uncertain or weak fashion. English fans prefer you to be one hundred percent in your efforts even when you are playing absolute cack. Look like you are at least trying and you will be forgiven almost anything. Traditionally, this is referred to as “Playing fer the shirt” but it has little to do with barter or laundry.

This explains the admiration of English fans of shite teams when they say of a totally mediocre player, “Well, at least he tried.” It provides a sort of catharsis for melancholy.

Do try to stay on your feet. On no account end up with the desultory reputation of, say, Emile Heskey, or you will end up as the same kind of joke butt.

No, do not fanny around. It is more than the worth of your work permit.

2. Your regional/political loyalties.

The English have absolutely no interest in the affairs of Croatia, Patagonia, Catalonia or any other –onia. We have enough troubles of our own with the Scotch*, Welsh and Irish.

Do not display foreign flags or t-shirts with indigenous slogans. Quite rightly these days we have almost dumped the Union flag in favour of the Cross of St. George. You may wear this instead. Foreign slogans are a complete waste of time, since no true Englishman bothers to learn another language. Indeed there is persuasive evidence of genetic resistance thereto.

If you are part of a vendetta please get it out of your system before you enter our country. If you fail to do so you will be transferred to a Scottish, Welsh or Irish club, where they know about these things.

(*Best get this right right away and save you the earache of regional chauvinism – “Scotch” is an ENGLISH adjective and noun variant of “Scottish” and “Scots,” and therefore means the same thing. Since it is our language I am not inclined to pay any attention to Scotch complaints.)

3. Rangers and Celtic.

All other strains of British football are inferior to the English game. This is never accepted by our fellow Britons.

The nadir of British football is occupied by crazed religious loonies who follow Rangers and Celtic in Scotland. This could be solved by transferring Celtic Football Club to the Vatican and Rangers Football Club to Wittenberg. But this is entirely unlikely.

Do not join either of these clubs. It will ruin your career.

4. The French.

Nobody likes the French, probably not even themselves.

If you are French this is most unfortunate, for an Englishman has two traditional enemies, (a) his wife, and (b) the French, and not necessarily in that order.

Frequently their quite justified inferiority complex is mistaken for narcissism. It is not. It is an excuse for extreme aggression and bad manners, particularly in Paris. It is one of life’s cruel ironies the world’s most beautiful city is occupied by the French. If NATO have a serious role since the demise of the old Soviet Union it should be ejection of the French from Paris.

If you play well, do not fanny around, and show contempt for the French, your reputation will be assured. Everyone will love you.

5. The Australians.

Australia is a very large country/continent in the southern hemisphere. It was once a penal colony of ours. Even now we share the same unelected head of state, Elizabeth Windsor. That is all we share.

All Australians are related to convicts. For their own good they must be reminded of this at five minutes intervals.

You must never allow them to get a word in edgeways on any subject. Do not be concerned if you cannot understand anything they say. Nobody can. There is no such language as Australian, but there is a peculiar jargon known as AQI – Australian Question Intonation. This is the phonetics of a question at the end of every sentence, even when they are trying to talk positively. Do not be fooled. It is done to ensure the recipient has no route of escape in conversation.

When that fails – as invariably it does – Australians will quickly retreat into an even more esoteric form of speech known as, “Oi noi.” You may pronounce that as it is written. The quoted phrase actually means, “Oh no.” This gives you an idea of the kind of phonetics employed in the speech form. Almost every other word in the form is just as tortured. The purpose is to further confuse you and provide the average Australian with something nobody else has. It never occurs to them that nobody else wants it, needs it or, basically, could give a shit.

Whilst playing in the English game you may come across the odd Australian player such as Mark Viduka and Harry Kewell. Kick them immediately. Everybody else does.

6. Banter with the crowd.

Don’t do it. The crowd will win every time.

This is not necessarily because they are funnier than you, though that is highly likely. It is because there are more of them than you. And they pay your wages. This is a potent combination.

Absolutely the worst thing you can do is react to barracking with anything other than an increase in your level of performance. We once had a Frenchman (see 4 above) who actually launched a physical attack on a racist barracker. He missed and got prosecuted into the bargain.

7. Journalists.

If you think football journalists in your country are bad you have seen nothing yet.

All English football journalists are unprincipled, untalented morons from the worst hellhole you can imagine. And I am being kind. Everybody hates them, even estate agents and accountants.

You must never trust a journalist or you will live to regret it. Once you have identified one, immediately mow him down with your Ferrari. Then reverse over him to make sure his life systems are extinguished. You will be helping the human race and the cause of football.

Never forget these are the people who stand in your way when you retire from playing and try to get employment as a pundit for radio and TV.

8. Wages and transfers.

You are almost certainly overpaid. Accept this and there will be no problem. Attempt to defend it and rightly you will be besieged by outraged fans up to their necks in mortgage and credit card debt. How else do you think they afford seat prices?

Always look and sound grateful when the question of wages arises during an interview. Of course this will be a façade but nobody will be able to tell one façade from another, not if you have attended the same PR course as Alan Shearer.

When you are renegotiating your contract always make sure you visit a local hospital or charity to provide photo opportunities for the media. The latter will be grateful you keep them in a job and it will enhance your reputation as an altruist. Try to avoid conspicuous consumption. Keep an offshore account and launder your salary through it, or a series of tax avoidance companies.

When the inevitable happens and you move to another club, make sure your first public words are, “This is a dream move for me. I supported this club throughout my childhood.”

9. Our political system.

This is easy to understand.

England is administered as a one party state with separate factions in thrall to the Americans. The factions only disagree over how much they pay themselves. Nobody believes a word any of them say. This particularly applies when they decide to make war on some helpless, impoverished and mostly undefended nation on the other side of the world.

Theoretically, our system is one man-one vote. However, it depends how you interpret the term. Most eligible voters can’t be bothered to exercise the right. So the fact you are ineligible shouldn’t make you feel unwanted.

Every now and then a politician will claim allegiance to one club or another. Statistics show this always happens when they are trying to corner attention or electoral advantage. In fact no politician in any of the factions has any allegiance of any kind to anything, anyone or any club. They are all shitheads.

10. Internet football forums and message boards.

Do not log into any of these. You will only depress yourself.

Sensible people take one look and go take the dog for a walk. The dog is usually a good deal more intelligent than the average poster on a forum.

The best interpretation is to see them as a cross between a retirement home, a padded cell and a form of addiction for the lonely, weak-willed and disenfranchised.

Do not be downhearted if you visit one in a weak moment and read an adverse criticism. You may be sure the same people will wax lyrical about you after the next game if you score or have a stormer.

11. Kissing the badge.

Do not kiss the badge on your football shirt, not ever. Nobody will believe you.

12. Making the sign of the cross.

England is nominally a protestant country. However, in practice it is atheist or agnostic. Actually, nobody but a small coterie of loonies cares much about religion.

Therefore, do not make the sign of the cross as you come onto the field, or after you score. It makes you look a complete arsehead if later you put through your own goal or have a stinker.

Also, do not misinterpret the tiny number of fans who visit church in advance of important games to avoid relegation or win championships. This is nothing but an act of empty desperation flying in the face of The Enlightenment. It must not be confused with conviction or knowledge of theology. It is a hapless attempt to hedge bets in the face of a dispassionate universe.

The sky-god does not exist. It therefore follows automatically any attempt to communicate therewith is doomed to failure. There is absolutely no chance of you being the first to make contact. Which makes all the rituals even more comic.

13. Understanding the fans.

The best fans are the ones who treat the game as a hobby. Usually they recognise good team and individual play and have a genuine sense of humour coupled with reasonable intelligence, loyalty and common sense. They are excellent company. Fortunately they are easily in the majority.

The rest are usually a pain in the arse, either moaners or opportunists trying to make a fast buck. Unfortunately recent developments in the game have made them more numerous. Ignore them. They are internet forum fodder.

Never try to analyse female fans. They are made to be loved, not understood.

14. Asylum seekers.

Obviously you are not one of these. At least you aren’t if your passport is legal.

To be truly accepted by the English media (right-wing all) you must make clear your view that all asylum seekers (without exception) are the dregs of humanity, determined to flood our country, take what’s left of our jobs, cheat-lie-steal, and rape or enslave our women. There is also a grave suspicion they use only cheap after-shave.

If you show the slightest sympathy it is likely you will have your work permit revoked and you will become, er, an illegal asylum seeker.

15. Drugs tests.

If you are ordered to take a drugs test, go immediately to the designated location even if you arrive a week early. Do not go shopping.

16. Pub culture versus café culture.

English pubs are dreadful places. Avoid them like the plague. Bar staff are universally stupid, incompetent and ill mannered. Paid to know otherwise, their first question when serving is almost always, “Who’s next?” The majority of pubs are dirty and the toilets are disgusting. The beer always tastes like sawdust mixed with urine. This tells you everything you need to know.

Gradually, ever so gradually, the English are beginning to learn how to use true café culture and outside tables. At the moment they still binge-drink and litter the place with bottles and glasses but there are encouraging signs of change, that enjoyment doesn’t necessarily entail complete stupefaction in the shortest possible time, chip papers, or bellowing at each other over crazily loud insanely untalented pop music. Any day now the penny will drop that “premium beers” are in fact the biggest mass fraud since the Crash of ’90.

Of course if you have any sense you will avoid the deadly combination of English-and-alcohol at all times. Should you weaken you will be vulnerable to all the spivs and hangers-on who attach themselves to players like leeches.

You have been warned.

17.Cold weather.

Get used to it. Come October, you have no option.

18. Scotch, Welsh and Irish.

It is very important you understand Britain is a political union of four countries: England, Scotland, Wales and part-Ireland. The historic usefulness of this is now at an end and will slowly devolve to its former ancient outline.

The only completely useless place in Britain is the Isle of Man.

This is not the place to launch a full account of the union. But for all practical purposes it is vital you know the nature of the relationship between the four countries. Scotland, Wales and part-Ireland could not get through their day-to-day existence without blaming England for every besetting ill. None of them are ever willing to concede the benefits they accrued as a result of aligning themselves with the British Empire in its heyday. Or indeed their own administrative incompetence.

This kind of dispassionate statement is calculated to drive the Celtic countries straight up the wall, across the ceiling, down the other wall, across the floor, and then repeat the circuit ad infinitum. Nevertheless it remains a cold fact. Of course none of this is to say the benefits were spread evenly or fairly. However, none of said countries are willing to load proportionate blame on their own compromised establishments. Truth is always the first casualty in a propaganda war.

As an example, when England play any of the other Britons in anything – especially football – the Celtic fans are “full of Celtic fervour.” On the other hand, English fans are typified as “nazi.” The hypocrisy is appalling. It is also understandable in a strictly non-PC way. Conquered people never forget.

For the moment the only thing you need to know is there has been a revival of English patriotism and the Celts don’t like it. In fact it pisses them off enormously, particularly when England manage something like a brilliant success in the rugby World Cup. As an Englishman I find this utterly delightful. Few things are funnier than the sight of a loud-mouthed Scotch, Welsh and Irish fan eating their own turds when England do well. One of the funnier sights is that of a third or fourth generation Plastic (that is, phoney) Celt left with nothing but his inadequacy and isolation – we don’t want them and the REAL Celts figure they’re English anyway.

Should England manage to win the upcoming Euro 04 and/or the succeeding World Cup the affect in the other countries could be completely demoralising. It was bad enough for the poor bastards when England won the World Cup in 1966.

You will encounter this situation at an individual level when you come up against great Celt players. If you are in the mood for a physical encounter tell them your name is Smith and you come from Solihull. Then get ready to kick them back. In the meantime you should note all Scots want to fight, all Welsh want to steal sheep for sexual gratification, and all Irish are drunks.

Long may it continue.

19. Football technical terms.

These are important and may one day save your career.

It is impossible to list all such terms here. However, there is one which you should repeat by rote in front of your shaving mirror until you have it off perfectly. This is a loud shout of “MAN ON!”

In essence this means someone is about to kick the living bejaysus out of you. It may even indicate treachery or incompetence if the shout emanates from the man who has just passed to you. After all, he is supposed to have weighed all options before sending the ball on its trajectory.

Whatever, you have perhaps one tenth of a second to get out of the way. If you fail you are likely to get carted into the stratosphere before landing square on your coccyx. Not recommended.

20. And finally………

Smile. Everyone likes a happy player.