The season is here again. It is time for you to disregard euphoria and prove your loyalty. Answer all the questions and then rate your commitment.

1. You are an Evertonian. Does this mean:

(a) You wake up every day, think of the Royal Blues, cheer wildly, thank fate it has made you one of life’s most glorious élite – “Those who understand…..” etc. etc.
(b) Say, “That’s okay, then,” and forget about it until the next match day.
(c) Feel constantly like presenting yourself in front of the next oncoming train.

2. David Moyes:

(a) Is a god.
(b) Possibly dithers too much. You can’t make up your mind one way or another.
(c) Ought to be sacked.

3. James Beattie’s striking abilities are:

(a) Like a sleeping tiger. He’s going to rip through the Premier League, score goals for fun and leave opposition defences in shreds.
(b) Like Peter Crouch’s. Er, that’s it.
(c) As good as a pregnant cow’s with large udders.

4. Goodison Park is:

(a) Much loved but well past its sell-by date. Forget it and move on. The site is far too small for adequate redevelopment.
(b) Adaptable. We can erect double tier tents on all four sides.
(c) A shrine. All it needs is a lick of paint and a few fairy lights and that’ll increase capacity to 55,000, and get rid of the litter and muck in surrounding streets.

5. The directors and Keith Wyness are:

(a) Unable to win whether we finish first or fifteenth.
(b) Much like any other CEOs and directors, really.
(c) A gang of fat, useless bastards who couldn’t sell pies to fatties in Wigan.

6. Fans internet message forums are:

(a) Full of cretinous, cracked knobheads and pompous loony paranoid conspiracy theorists.
(b) A bit like the Women’s Institute.
(c) Wonderful, democratic places that give a voice to everyone regardless of their mental health.

7. Wearing a club shirt is:

(a) Facile and uncool.
(b) Acceptable at matches but not elsewhere, especially job interviews.
(c) De rigeur, even in the bath and whilst porking your lady friend.

8. Barracking Everton players is:

(a) Stupid and of no constructive value whatever.
(b) Not very nice and might hurt their feelings.
(c) No fucking business of anyone. I pay my money and I’ll shout what the fuck I want.

9. Journalists are:

(a) A gang of useless overpaid hack-pricks living off the backs of the game we created and support.
(b) What we deserve I suppose.
(c) Fair minded, knowledgeable reporters who only recount what they see, keep it in context, never lie, never indulge in vicious propaganda campaigns, and certainly never accept bribes from agents.

10. Sky TV is:

(a) Owned and run by liars and cheats who suck the life out of the game.
(b) Like BBC2 without the arts programmes.
(c) Part of the Murdoch media group that single handedly saved the game from its supporters and promoted it without any thought whatever of making money from it.

11. When that fat, red-faced fellow with double chins and halitosis in the corner of the pub promotes himself as In The Know, do you:

(a) Laugh in his face and tell him he’s as thick as two short planks.
(b) Go to the bar, buy yourself a drink and stay there.
(c) Buy him a drink and believe every word he says even when it’s slurred.

12. The G14 Group is:

(a) A gang of crooked spivs out to rip off the rest of football for their own gain.
(b) A footy version of the Arbitration Society.
(c) A selfless promoter of excellence, which is living proof of the efficacy of “trickle down economics” and that “there is no such thing as society.”

13. The game of football these days:

(a) Is better played than at any other time in its history despite lousy referees and too much player power
(b) Could do with a slight tweak of the offside law.
(c) Will never be as good as it used to be.

14. Players’ freedom of contract should be:


(a) Respected, but have more inbuilt safeguards against abuse. Get rid of precontract agreements.
(b) Open to negotiation.
(c) Abolished. The bastards get away with far too much. Let’s go back to the old retain-and-transfer tied system.

15. Players’ agents:

(a) Should be killed slowly and in great pain.
(b) Do a job like anyone else.
(c) Are much needed fierce protectors of their clients’ rights and interests.

16. Fans binge drinking before and after matches:

(a) Makes their breath smell, discolours their teeth, leads to sclerosis of the liver and causes group belligerence and stupid behaviour.
(b) May be a useful substitute for inadequacy. It needs more research.
(c) Is an absolute must. And no, I’m not an alcoholic with no future.

17. Moyesy’s phrase “The People’s Club” was:

(a) A stroke of genius that winds up the analfield pinkies brilliantly.
(b) Perhaps an exaggeration but worth using every now and then.
(c) Public relations hype.

18. Our fans are:

(a) Like George Best said, “The most knowledgeable and passionate in English football.”
(b) No better or worse than any others in the game.
(c) Thieving, unemployable, racist commies duped by everybody.

19. Pinkies fans are:

(a) Thick twats, no exceptions. They’re all hangers on from Norway, the South, Woolyland, Wales or Ireland or have just got out of Walton Jail.
(b) No better or worse than any others in the game.
(c) They ain’t heavy, they’re my brothers.

20. Next season will be:

(a) Brilliant. Wait until the Beattie-Johnson combo gets going and terrifies the rest.
(b) About midtable if we work hard.
(c) Absolute and utter shite. We’re going to get relegated.


HOW YOU RATE:

All A: You can indeed call yourself an Evertonian. Buy a Blue Kipper badge immediately.

All B: Bet you have difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. Try reading self-management manuals – if you can decide which one to buy.

All C: Fuck off and join the Meldrew Tendency. You’re not wanted.

Mixture of A, B and C: You’ll probably vote Tory or Liberal at the next election and a year later wonder why you were so stupid as the BBC gets sold to Rupert Murdoch and the NHS gets sold to an American “Health Care” transnational corporation. You’ll end up wondering why ambulance crews search a prone street casualty for credit cards. Footy is the least of your worries. (01/08/06)