THE REALLY USEFUL GUIDE TO SAVING EVERTON FOOTBALL CLUB
By
Mickey Blue Eyes.

“To all those who got away with it, this film is most respectfully dedicated.”
“PRIVATE’S PROGRESS” (Film directed by John Boulting, 1956).

Since last season was positively the worst top flight season our beloved club has suffered for over one hundred years it is surely time to collate and enlarge on all the avenues of improvement open to us. Alas, there as so many would-be saviours and messiahs around it falls to your correspondent to attempt clear headed analysis. It’s a tough job but someone has to do it.

As we all know, owning and running a football club is the easiest task since, no sweat, you last tied a shoe lace. Anyone can do it. That’s why there was a huge mob competing with True Blue Holdings to buy the club and why there’s a queue of investors elbowing each other right around the block of every professional club in the country, ours included. Christ, it’s so easy you wonder why ninety percent of clubs can’t do it properly and how Italian football is almost in the knackers yard. Something’s wrong somewhere.

So let’s forget all that nasty inconvenient information, drop everything, and go for it, REALLY go for it. Here’s a few suggestions.

1. GET A SUIT.

Look, you’re not going to make it if you turn up dressed like your average English slob. Being summer, you know, wearing three quarter khaki kecks with tie-up bobbles dangling at the ends, a black tee shirt with dandruff on the shoulders, fat hairy legs with short black socks and dirty white trainers, all of it supplemented by a fat gut wobbling over the midriff and a shaved head with a single earring and no neck. No, that won’t do. It makes you look like a Summer Twat. It will draw only behind-the-hand sniggers. If you look like this you deserve all the unbridled hysteria you cause in the boardroom.

Get yourself a double-breasted lightweight light coloured Armani suit. Always ensure the jacket is properly buttoned up. Open jackets are gauche and always indicate the mindset of a cheap spiv. After visiting the toilet always check your flies are done up BEFORE you leave the urinal. You might be proud of the Calvin Kleins you just bought but nobody will be looking at them if you forget this important courtesy. Successful businessmen will not take you seriously.

2. SPEAK CLEARLY.

Do not assume the use of a “working class” accent will be taken as a sign of lively wit, warmth or intelligence. Even now there are many people of the executive and management classes who regard regional accents as one step up from a grunt. So be very careful how you pitch your speech and watch your tone of voice. You could lose everything the moment you open your mouth.

If you have a lifetime of using phrases such as, “Orlrite der, la,” or “What the fuck’s goin’ on ‘ere?” or “I ‘ate dat cunt,” then you should submit yourself to some rudimentary elocution or English classes. If you have an inferiority complex caused by your accent, ditch the accent. It isn’t worth the angst.

Once you have achieved acceptable diction you will be ready to use complicated technical terms like “revenue stream” or “securitisation” or “rights issue.” Don’t worry if you don’t really know what the fuck they mean. Hardly anybody does, and you should mistrust anyone who says they do. Just slip the words in at key moments in the conversation and watch everybody nod wisely. This is the method used by virtually all the executives and managers everywhere across the world.

Learn the correct level of decibels to control the conversation. If you get it about right you will speak a bit louder than the rest. A quick look at everyone’s body language will tell you who is intimidated and who isn’t. This enables you to identify your likely opponents and therefore where you concentrate your arguments. Following this up is a little more difficult but if you have already ditched your accent hey! the world’s your oyster.

3. CALL A MEETING.

This hardly ever works but it’s a good way of impressing other people that you care, even if you don’t and your only interest is in getting yourself noticed. If somebody else calls a meeting beat them to it by calling one a week or two before theirs. Stay ahead in the Star Fan game. Show you’re a Man of The People by holding the meeting in a public house, the tackier and dingier the better. Nobody likes tacky better than footy fans.

It won’t matter much if you haven’t a clue what to say or do. All you have to do is stand up and speak loudly and tell everyone how much you love Everton, preferably throwing in a reference to how long you have been a supporter, or a sentimental tear-jerker about the Good Old Days. Get them fired up until you are virtually guaranteed some journo (who you had the presence of mind to invite along) calls it, gawd help us, “passionate.”

Do not be dismayed if some insensitive berks start giggling through too much lager. The English are quite incapable of holding a meeting without at least eighty percent of the members steeling themselves with alcohol. It would be a good idea too to practice grinning at the unavoidable paranoid who thinks your every word is a dig at him or her. Properly done, this is almost guaranteed to drive the poor bastard up the wall. Also, ready yourself for the inevitable insane suggestions which will come from movements like Free Condoms In A Retained Goodison Park or Workers United For Marxist Control or The County Road Ché Guevara Society.

After the meeting everyone will leave feeling self-satisfied and totally without a clue of what to do next. Do not fret. You have made your point.

4. DEALING WITH THE MEDIA.

This is important though probably not in the way you think.

Essentially the media couldn’t give a shit what you consider, say or do, except whether you buy their product. Every journalist merely wants to fill his allocated space. This keeps him in a job for another week and shows the editor he’s on his toes. Once you understand that you will be able to deal with them on equal terms, and they you. Use them like they use you. Never complain, never explain. You’ll get on fine.

Do not worry about telling the truth. The media never are. Get your message over any way you see fit short of murder or mayhem. Remember, there’s no such thing as bad publicity. Be short, sharp, and to the point, and be as spectacular as possible.

5. WHEN (EVENTUALLY) YOU MEET THE BOARD OF DIRECTORS.

Almost certainly you will be tongue-tied and make a complete donkey of yourself despite the fact that everyone you meet will be unfailingly charming and courteous. You will sound either (a) like a totally hysteric arsehead, or (b) like a pompous loud-mouthed cannabis head. Don’t be concerned. The directors are used to it. After all, these people work in football and have dealt with individuals as wildly different as Harry Redknapp, Ron Atkinson, Emile Heskey, Paul Gascoigne and Jonathan Pearce.

Likely the directors will let you have your say even while you’re calling them all the pricks under the sun. This is called diplomatic democracy. It will be accompanied by a gentle smile and sometimes a loud snoring noise. You see, they and every other director in football have heard it all before. You thought you were the first fan to discover you knew everything? Phooey.

The best thing to do is let it all hang out anyway. Make it cathartic or you’ll get nothing out of it. The odds are that as you are politely escorted to the door each director will exude a slow, long silent break of wind. You will then be told The Door Will Always Be Open To Your Views and that It Has Been Most Interesting. This has been the way of business since before the South Sea Bubble. Which of course is a pure coincidence.

Directors are like that in every company. This may come as a surprise to you if you are a mere paysanne. Which is why they are in the boardroom and you aren’t.

6. IF THE CLUB SIGN NEW PLAYERS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the programme sellers.

It is obviously a public relations plot to lull you into a sense of false security or to fool you there is progress of any kind.

7. IF THE CLUB DON’T SIGN NEW PLAYERS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the postman.

They have no ambition and want the club and their shareholdings to fall to zero worth.

8. IF THE CLUB SELL WAYNE ROONEY.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park and in Croxteth.

All they’re trying to do is pay off the debt at the expense of our most promising player since Dixie Dean. That’s our playing future they’re selling.

9. IF THE CLUB DON’T SELL WAYNE ROONEY.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park and in the local post office.

They are missing a once in a lifetime opportunity to clear all our debt and rebuild. Anyway he’s not that good and might get injured and we’ll lose the financial opportunity.

10. IF THE CLUB INVITE NEW INVESTORS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the bankers.

They are selling the club’s soul and traditions in accordance with untrammeled ranting righty free market economic anarchy.

11. IF THE CLUB DON’T INVITE NEW INVESTORS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park plus the local Chamber of Commerce.

This proves they’re a bunch of reactionary half-witted lefties with no understanding of free markets.

12. IF THE CLUB MAKE A RIGHTS ISSUE.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the accountants.

It’s the wrong type of issue. Everybody knows they can’t organize a piss up in a brewery. It’s BOUND to go wrong.

13. IF THE CLUB DON’T MAKE A RIGHTS ISSUE.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the stockbrokers.

A clear indication of lack of vision. Now we’ll NEVER get that £15 million that will save the club from extinction and catapult us in front of, for instance, Chelsea.

14. IF DAVID MOYES STAYS.

Attack him.

He’s only after a sinecure. He’s naïve and will never make it in the top flight.

15. IF DAVID MOYES LEAVES.

Attack him.

He’s leaving a sinking ship and has no loyalty. He’s no different from the rest of the money grabbing bastards.

16. NEXT SEASON, IF THE CLUB INCREASES THE COSTS OF SEASON TICKETS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the clerks in the ticket office.

Yet another example of money grabbing bastards. Everyone knows the costs of £56 millions a year can be met out of current revenue and STILL leave plenty over for the transfer market.

17. NEXT SEASON, IF THE CLUB DOESN’T INCREASE THE COSTS OF SEASON TICKETS.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park including the doorman.

How are we supposed to cover running costs and compete in the transfer market? Why weren’t the increases doubled every year for the last two years?

18. IF THE ACADEMY GETS BUILT.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park plus the entire coaching staff.

Why are we spending £8 to £10 millions that could be used to buy a player or pay off part of the debt? What’s wrong with the huts at Netherley?

19. IF THE ACADEMY DOESN’T GET BUILT.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park plus the council planning department.

It’s their fault it took so long to get planning permission. And anyway how are we supposed to develop young players in the Netherley slum?

20. IF WE GET A NEW STADIUM.

Attack everybody at Goodison Park plus anyone connected with the new site.

Money wasted that could be spent on new players. We’ll badly miss the obstructed views at The Old Lady and all the chip shops, litter and tacky pubs along County Road.

21. IF WE DON’T GET A NEW STADIUM.

Attack everybody willy-nilly.

How are we supposed to raise extra revenue streams from corporate entertainment? What happens when the HSE finally condemns the Bullens Road Stand? How long are we supposed to put up with the lousy facilities in Walton and along County Road?

22. IF THE NEW CITY CENTRE STORE IS A SUCCESS.

Attack the marketing department.

They should have opened it years ago.

23. IF THE NEW CITY CENTRE STORE ISN’T A SUCCESS.

Attack the marketing department.

They made the wrong decision about location and design of the store. Furthermore, you probably couldn’t buy a plaster bust of Niclas Alexandersson or Mitch Ward. What’s WRONG with these people? Don’t they know how to stock a store?

24. IF ALL ELSE FAILS.

Attack Michael Dunford.

You can’t fail with this one. He makes it so easy. Moreover all you have to do is follow the crowd of verbal thugs who normally can’t string an articulate sentence together without whining or howling at the moon. See items 6 through 24 above.

I realize this isn’t a complete list but it should keep you unhappily engaged throughout the summer. If it doesn’t, you can always dress up as a Summer Twat, take easyJet to Barcelona and sit at an outdoor café singing, “Yer can stick yer Barcelona up yer arse” until the Catalans get as pissed off with you as everyone sensible on Merseyside is.

Mind you, it won’t matter a jot if England go and win Euro 04 and The Duke completes his footy education.

Go for it, people. It’s a piece of piss. (21/05/04)